


A Poem for Transition

by fineinthemorning



Series: Poems [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cannibalism, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Manga Spoilers, Self-Harm, Tokyo Ghoul: re, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:40:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the events of the auction raid, Haise remembers everything, but instead of going back to living his life as a ghoul, he remains at the CCG as leader and mentor to the Quinx squad. For what reasons does he stay? For what reasons does he refuse to go back? How do the Quinx respond to him? How does he handle regaining his memories?<br/>-Rating for violence only<br/>Complete<br/>Sequel titled "A Poem for Farewells"<br/>Want to read the story in chronological order? Chapter- 2, 3, 1, 4, 6, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, 8, 12</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

When he’d regained his memories, everyone knew. It had been more than a change in what he remembered or his personality. No, he had physically changed as well. After what had happened at the auction, his hair had turned white, his finger nails grew in black, and his posture, his presence, his aura, had changed completely. A majority of highly ranked investigators had been there when it happened. They had witnessed an incredible cruelty they had only witnessed from the One-Eyed Owl, and, technically, Armia Kishou, if they allowed themselves to admit to that.  
  
Akira had been the first to respond. Arima had stopped her from killing him.

After he’d spoken to Akira, and then to Arima, none of the other investigators made jokes or pestered Sasaki in the way they had prior to his transformation. None of them dared. The man wasn’t approachable. He was colder even than Arima. Many of them no longer even saw the half-ghoul as a man. A few of them never had in the first place.

Arima had led him out from underground with Akira walking behind him, a gun pointed and ready. Marude had ordered Arima to kill the boy, but Arima refused, saying Sasaki Haise was given to him and was his responsibility; he’d decide what to do with him. Marude had backed down only because he trusted Arima. He wasn’t one to put other investigators in danger needlessly.

The three of them in the car had been almost comical were the situation not so grim. Mama was driving and Papa was in the back sitting silently and watching Sasaki’s every move. He could see that he was shaking. Memories so dark that it could turn your hair white? Arima would admit only to himself that he was curious.

It had been several minutes before anyone spoke. Surprisingly, it was the ghoul, “Cochelea, right?”

“Of course,” Akira responded without an ounce of sympathy in her voice as she looked in the rear-view mirror briefly with fire in her eyes.

It hurt. She had hated him that much. She had been working that hard . . . all this time . . . to keep up the lie . . . the lie that she cared, even enjoyed his company. He couldn’t be upset with her. Everyone believed it was him who killed Amon. He even felt guilty for it, though some part of him believed he was still alive.

“I’ll be going in with you, Haise, and you won’t be there long. At most, a few weeks.” Arima’s voice was detached, like always, but that familiar voice using that same familiar tone was enough to keep Sasaki steady.

Not another word had been spoken.

Arima had kept his word. Sasaki had only spent a few weeks in Cochelea.

Though most of the investigators weren’t having it at all, Tsuneyoshi Washuu had actually met with the ghoul before accepting Arima’s proposition. If the one calling the shots had accepted it, then, begrudgingly, the rest must follow suit.

So, here he was now, with Arima riding in silence in the car as Arima drove him towards the Quinx squad’s chateau. It was late, almost nine at night, but the streetlights made it easy to view the expressionless face of the superior as he drove.

They had spoken very few words to each other. Sasaki found it difficult to speak most of the time. It wasn’t that it was hard to move his mouth; it was just exhausting to know what the right thing to say was all the time. How had it come so easily for Haise? If Haise was a part of him, how was it still this difficult now?

“I’d been wanting to meet you a long time, Kaneki,” Arima spoke with his eyes on the road. It was the first time he’d ever called the ghoul by his real name.

Kaneki loved hearing his name, but not out of the Investigator's mouth. In fact, he didn’t want to hear it out of anyone’s mouth. Really, the only people he wanted to call him that were those that knew him as Ken Kaneki. The one who smiled and blushed and laughed and did everything he could to show concern for others even if the underlying reasons were selfish; Arima had never known that person.

“Please don’t call me that,” he whispered, hoping it was okay to request that much of the investigator. Arima had felt something for him, right? He’d done whatever had needed to be done to get him what he wanted- to get him back with the Quinx, to get him out of Cochelea, to save his life.

“Haise, remember when we lived together for a time and you had cooked for me for the first time?”

Kaneki didn’t understand why he was bringing that up now, but he nodded slightly, not even considering that Arima had his eyes on the road and was not looking at him at all.

“I had said your gyudon was delicious.” He waited, but not because he wanted Kaneki to respond. “I lied.”

Kaneki cracked a finger and felt a twitch on the corner of his mouth.

“That was the only time I’ve ever lied to you.”

The twitch turned into the smallest of smiles, and Kaneki turned to look out the window a little embarrassed from the memory. No, he didn’t feel any anger towards Arima- not for stabbing him through his head once- twice- rendering him temporarily blind- nearly killing him- withholding the truth.

The voice in the back of his mind, his own voice, in the years he had spent as Haise had also withheld the truth from him. The truth was best when one discovered it for himself. Kaneki understood that now.

“You’ve made your choice, and I . . . respect you for that.”

 _What?!_ Kaneki’s eyes were wide with disbelief as he turned to look at Arima’s profile. It was the most emotion he had displayed in weeks aside from fear and despair.

“You love them, and that’s why you’re choosing to stay.”

Kaneki turned away again. No, it was more selfish than that. He did love the Quinx like his family, assuming that’s what family was- the same way he loved Hinami and Banjou and Nishiki and-

-But it was so much more selfish than that.

Arima had never loved anything more than killing ghouls. It was what he was good at. It was what he found exciting, entertaining. It was what made him feel alive. It was what he lived for. It was why his will was always left blank. In a very twisted way, he loved ghouls; they gave him purpose. This one, though, the one that belonged to him . . . he was-

They arrived and Arima parked behind Sasaki’s CCG vehicle on the street, the one he would likely no longer be able to use. The specifics of what he was and wasn’t allowed were still being worked out.

The Qunix were waiting by the front, even Saiko, and when they had seen the vehicle pull up, they lined up to formally greet Special Class Arima and the newly titled First Class Investigator, Sasaki Haise.

Before the two left the car, Haise tensed a bit. He was nervous. Noticing that Haise still hadn’t removed his seat belt, Arima turned off the car and looked at him. Kaneki cracked a finger, then a second one.

“Just be yourself, Haise.”

Be himself? Really? He could remember the same advice the first day he had met the Quinx.

Finally, Kaneki removed the seat belt and looked over to Arima whose eyes were hiding behind glasses blocked with the glare of a streetlight, “Sure, _Dad_.” Kaneki uncharacteristically rolled his eyes, and got out of the car.  
  
Arima hadn't expected the sarcasm at all, but once the door slammed shut and he was left alone in the darkness, he let a smile play across his lips briefly before getting out himself.


	2. Regaining Memories Part 1 of 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki regains his memories at the auction. This chapter and the next take place before Chapter 1.

Going against orders, Urie had run after the blue haired ghoul that was currently taking down investigator after investigator. He had seen an opportunity. It was a reckless move, but whatever- no one ever got anywhere being safe, and he needed to get to the top. He needed a promotion. Taking down this one, who obviously seemed of a higher rank, would get him one. Easily. So, that’s why he had run straight for him, kakugan blazing, koukaku out, quinque ready- except that he felt nothing but pain. His chest glimmered with the new addition of long precious stones. He felt blood rising up and he coughed suddenly, blood spilling as he gripped his weapon and swung in desperation, but the blue haired ghoul was fast- too fast. He moved like a rabbit, bouncing and twisting. The Rabbit had been confirmed as a ghoul with blue hair. He was just-!

More blood, and he felt his koukaku dissipate. He yelled inwardly for his body to get up, to make a move, any move, to fight, fight back, even just defend himself. Was he really this useless? Was he really so powerless?

The pain brought by the constant barrage of attacks stopped suddenly, and Urie was left only with the numbness left by the precious stones in his chest. A familiar figure was in front of him, cracking fingers, smirking almost, his expression speaking words to him though his lips did not move, _“Let it be a lesson to you, Urie.” Sasaki?_ Urie knew Sasaki would never say anything like that, but when Urie’s hatred for the man mixed with that cocky expression, it was what Urie could swear he heard.

Urie read the ghoul records like some read religious texts. This was the Rabbit. It had to be. The ghoul Urie figured to be Rabbit scoffed, “Really? This is where you ended up?”

Someone from Aogiri knew Sasaki?!

Rabbit made a move, effectively hitting the investigator in the face with a punch and then again with a kick. Sasaki did not fall, but he was certainly surprised. He seemed both anxious to fight but also apprehensive about his opponent. Was it recognition?

Urie felt himself losing concentration. He could hear Shirazu calling him when his eyes fell shut.

<><><><><><><> 

Sasaki stared. Blue hair. Ukaku. Those blue eyes- The two began to exchange blows and the ghoul dodged everything Haise threw at him.

“Pathetic. You’ve gotten this weak? Are you even trying?” That voice.

 _He knows me._ Sasaki’s interest was piqued, but it also made him cringe inwardly. He could feel the shadow inside him stir, but instead of yelling to come out, he only wrapped strong arms around him and whispered, _‘You have to fight him. Everything is going to end. Let me do it. Let me, Haise.’_

There was no time to question the meaning of the words. Urie was hurt, and Haise needed to protect him. He receded into his mind to welcome his shadow’s help, and with a few cracked fingers, the real battle began.

Ayato noticed the change immediately. Kaneki was faster, more confident, more focused, and entirely more animalistic in his fighting style. When a punch made it through to Ayato’s face and he was sent flying, the man he knew as Kaneki didn’t even wait for him to stand or recover; he immediately grabbed him with his kagune and swung the blue-haired ghoul forward again so that he would continue his barrage of attacks.

“Kaneki, this is really fucked up,” Ayato sneered at the half-ghoul. It had been two years. He had gotten so much stronger yet here was Kaneki, working for the CCG and still kicking his ass? Ayato felt pathetic, but he wouldn’t give up. He just needed to get in one good hit.

That name again. Haise pushed the memories away. Both him and his shadow needed to focus. What mattered now was _winning._

The two seemed evenly matched for a moment, but when Ayato grabbed for Kaneki’s arm, the half-ghoul proceeded to bend his own arm backwards, breaking it with a sick crack so that he could turn around and land a kick into Ayato’s chest.

The ghoul released his grip and fell, the wind clearly knocked out of him. He gasped for air as Kaneki landed and stood over him, his arm bending back into place and healing quickly at a rate of which the likes the Quinx had never seen. Kaneki was expressionless as he dropped on top of the blue haired boy. He was fighting a friend or an enemy? Did it matter?

“Dumbass!” Ayato spat. Kaneki had broken his own arm just to land a kick. Who does that?!

Something had snapped in Kaneki as he sat on the blue haired ghoul’s stomach. There was a glaring familiarity of this position. Sasaki cracked a finger on each hand. How easy it would be to just pin him down here. One. A kagune through his right leg that successfully shattered his ankle. Ayato let out a scream.Two. A kagune through his left wrist. Another scream. Three. The other leg now. A whimper. Four. The other wrist. A hiss.

“What’s 1,000 minus 7?” he heard himself say the words, but they felt distant. Haise was smiling the same smile as his shadow and he didn’t know why. They had control? They had won? He cracked his fingers and waited.

“Fuck . . . you.”

Why, in this moment, did both Haise and his shadow want the same thing?

“What’s 1,000 minus 7?” he repeated. He knocked on the side of his head as if something was supposed to come out- a centipede. Nothing came out at all.

 _This is who I am, isn’t it?_ Haise gripped his head suddenly. It hurt. God, it hurt. Could he live through this pain? This sting in his eyes? His eyes. His eyes. He could see. He could see.

Ayato saw an opening and took it, sending his ukaku wing straight through Kaneki’s chest and bullets everywhere else that catch. It caused Kaneki’s own kagune to pull out of Ayato’s limbs, and for a moment, he was suspended in the air held up by the one ukaku wing in his chest as the ghoul below him moved to stand up.

It hurt. It hurt. God, it hurt, but he would not scream. Instead, the pain focused him. He grabbed the glowing ukaku, bloodying his hands in the process, and before Ayato could register his own shock, he pulled it out of his own body and fell to the floor, coughing as blood pooled around him. No, this wouldn’t do. He was stronger than this. Much stronger. He felt something slip from within him, a deafening cracking sound like that of a back being cracked. His vision cleared. His kakuja formed around him. He hadn’t felt like this since-

Since when? It was then that Haise realized the shadow was gone. He was the only one there inside his own mind. He cracked a finger. His body was healing at an alarming rate for even a ghoul.

Ayato knew now that he needed to run. As much as it would hurt his own pride, fighting Kaneki with his centipede kakuja was not part of the mission at all, and he wasn’t confident that he could win. He had other people to think about now.

He turned to go, attempting to make his escape as quickly as possible when he felt the rinkaku around his waist, slamming him hard enough into the floor that his ukaku dimmed and began to recede. He had run out of time. He had no stamina left.

Pieces kept floating to the surface. How familiar this was. He cracked a few fingers. Why did he keep doing that?

“You didn’t kill my subordinate, so I’m not going to kill you.” Ayato felt himself shudder. No, not this again. He needed to run, to escape. His eyes were that of a cornered rabbit. Since that time nearly three years ago, he had never felt that much pain.

“-But I will half kill you. There are 206 bones in a person’s body, so if I break 103 of your bones, that should suffice, right?”

“Fuck. No. Fucking-“

Haise shuddered, but if it was from fear or excitement, he wasn’t sure. Why was this satisfying? Why couldn’t he deny how incredibly satisfying this was?

“I’ll start with the arm. There’s one bone in the upper arm called the humerus.”

_Crack._

“Then, on the forearm, is the ulna and the radius.”

_Snap. Snap._

This was too familiar. So strangely similar to-

_Break his bones. All his bones. No. No. No. Only half. Only half of his bones. You remember them all, don’t you? You can even name them as they break. Break. Break. It’s so easy this time. This time. Like last time? Different from last time? There was a last time. Break Break. All the bones. No, only half. He’s her brother, after-all. Whose? Her’s. Touka’s. Ayato is her brother. That’s who this is, isn’t it? She loves him. He loves her. You’re supposed to protect the people you love. Break. Break. Protect. Protect. Ayato. Touka. She. Her, too. Hinami. Hinami. Her mother. She loved her mother. Her mother loved her. Break Break. Protect. Protect. Fail to protect. Who did you fail to protect? Her mother. Her. Ayato? Break. Break. Him._

_Him. You failed to protect him back then in the sewers. You failed to protect yourself. Eyes looking in. Switched places. No, we share the same eyes. The same prison. We share the same pain. The same taste. We are the same. Same. Same. Break. Break. Taste. Taste. Fail. Fail._

Kaneki didn’t realize he was screaming as he broke more of Ayato’s bones, but he was. He was screaming not out of aggression or hatred or anger. His screams were of someone trapped, strapped to a wooden chair in a checkered room with thick chains wrapped around his ankles as someone hummed while using a strange wrench to snap and snip off his fingers simply for the pleasure he felt when he heard the _crack_ and the amazement at watching them _grow back so quickly._ It was the scream of someone who had a centipede crawling through his ear canal, tiny legs making loud sounds, because it was so close that it may as well have been in his brain. He could count down from 1,000 all the way to zero by 7s. He really could. So many times. He could do all of this and be perfectly fine, because his screams were the same screams of the person who was once human but was now ghoul.

And that scream was one that no one else in this world shared. Perfectly fucking fine.

Hair turned white as snow. Fingernails went black. And it was then that his eyes held complete clarity. His shadow was himself. Haise was himself. The human, Ken Kaneki, was himself. They were all him. He was all of them. And he could no longer choose to be one or the other. Being whole meant accepting each piece, for it was all of the pieces together that made him whole.

The scream woke Urie who was now barely holding on when Shirazu reached him. Shirazu wanted to cover his ears and cry from the scream. It was too painful, too loud, and too _real_. Instead, he began pulling the pieces of crystallized ukaku out of his teammate. He’d heal faster and it would be easier to carry him on his back. Urie hissed from the pain, but understood Shirazu’s line of thinking. Picking him up gently as he tried to move him from the horrific scene playing out, Shirazu got his teammate onto his back and watched in horror as Saiko began running in his direction. When Saiko appeared in front of them, he stopped.

“We can’t leave,” she uncharacteristically demanded with a firm and stubborn determination. Shirazu was so confused. Wasn’t she scared? Wasn’t she terrified? That wasn’t Sasaki. The ghoul screaming behind them clearly wasn’t Sasaki. He had already defeated that ghoul, and he was putting him through unnecessary torture and pain- something Sasaki abhorred. He even seemed to be enjoying it. That wasn’t him. It wasn’t.

Saiko’s eyes were burning, unchanging, and threatening. Shirazu had never, not once, seen her like this. Where was this coming from? Despite it being an entirely new emotion he’d never once seen from her, he understood what she was thinking. They had to witness this. No, not watch it, witness it.

Despite all the noise going on from the various battles, Shirazu had heard it– a gasp. He turned back to Sasaki to watch the scene play out.

“Onii-chan.” Hinami had been watching the whole time, unable to move from where she was. Frozen. It was as if she had seen him transform into something beautiful, painful, and nostalgic at the same time. His pain was nostalgic to her. What an awful thought.

“Hinami.” Recognition. _She’s just one. She’s just one of the many I failed to protect._ His eyes softened. He dropped the lifeless arm from his hands and another he had failed to protect slumped in a heap below him. _Right, the brother- Ayato. You’re the current Rabbit?_ The kakuja dissipated. The kagune receded. The only thing left now was a wide kakugan showing a stark contrast to the empty gray mismatched eye.

“Onii-chan.” She felt herself slip into the little girl who wanted to hold her big brother while she cried, while he cried, like when- She began running towards him.

“ _Stop._ Don’t come. Leave. You have to leave. Take Ayato. I’m sorry.” His voice was trembling, but his words were clipped and they brought her back to reality. Those days were gone. She wasn’t that little girl anymore. He wasn’t the same either, was he? Not quite the same. She felt tears coming to her eyes anyway, and they fell despite how much she tried to ignore them.

“Onii-chan, you can’t stay with-“ They would kill him.

Another cracked finger. “I have to. _Leave._ ” It was better that they kill him than he go with Hinami. With Ayato. Back to Touka at :re. Tsukiyama. Banjou. Any of them _. I failed to protect any of them. I failed all of them. Most of all, I failed-_

He didn’t realize he was shaking.

“ _Please, Hinami_.”

She knew he was right. This had to be done. Still, she was holding back so much. She had so many things she wanted to say. She wanted to hold his hands to keep them from shaking. She wanted to hold him to keep him from breaking. Instead, she said what she could with her eyes, picked up Ayato, and made her escape. She didn’t look back. She didn’t want to see.

What was left was the shell of Kaneki Ken. Without giving it another thought, Saiko ran to him, Shirazu calling her to stop, to come back. She was able to hug him from behind, noticing he was still somewhat healing from the fight. She grabbed him and hung onto him for dear life, as if her Maman would slip from her grip and be lost forever. Kaneki didn’t even flinch, lost in his own thoughts. His hands were out as if he were inspecting the blood left there, but he didn’t even _see_ them. He was looking _through_ them, gray eyes empty as he trembled from the shock brought about with his memories.

_Hinami? You failed her. You were weak and you couldn’t save her mother. Her mother died because you were weak. You owe it to her to give her a happy life. You have to make her smile. You have to be strong enough to protect her from-_

No, the girl holding him now in a stubborn embrace wasn’t Hinami. It was Saiko. Saiko wasn’t Hinami. She was weaker than Hinami, even. Saiko needed his protection. He needed to protect her and the Quinx. None of them were strong enough- not for the CCG.

Kaneki hadn’t moved as Saiko embraced him, and he wasn’t moving now to look at her or the others. His eyes were on his hands. These hands had failed to protect so many people in the past. Was this his second chance? Could he protect the Quinx? Was he strong enough? Did he need to take them and run?

Saiko was still holding him when Kaneki heard the clink of a gun being cocked. He looked up only with his hollow eyes, not moving in any other way.

It was Akira. She was a good distance away, but she had a scope. She wouldn’t miss.

She didn’t even give him a chance to speak.


	3. Regaining Memories Part 2 of 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter occurs before Chapter 1 and after Chapter 2.

The gun fired but the RC suppressant bullet never made it to its target.

Saiko smelled burning flesh and let go so she could stand beside Sasaki, mouth falling open slightly as she watched the skin of his index and middle finger melt from the hot lead bullet that was being held between them just a few centimeters in front of his heart.

She had always thought Sasaki was strong. Truthfully, in her book, she knew no one stronger, but she had never seen anyone stop a bullet before. She thought of all the times she’d seen it in movies and anime; in none of them was the bullet actually melting skin off of fingers. Didn’t it hurt? It was so big. Then, it registered. It was an RC suppressant tranquilizer bullet. When it hit its target, it was supposed to release the suppressant. It was more effective for killing ghouls than any normal bullet.

“Maman,” she whispered the affectionate nickname. His eyes never moved from Akira. He didn’t even acknowledge Saiko’s presence.

Akira stared through the scope, eye wide. She didn’t think Haise was capable of something like that, either. After a second’s hesitation, she shot again, and again, and a third time.

Around her, investigators were declaring their victories. Nearly all of the ghouls had been exterminated. Suzuya was still fighting Big Madame, apparently undeterred by Haise’s earlier scream. The auction battle was coming to a close, but soon the attention was being diverted. While some left immediately to get the civilians out, other squads had chased Naki’s group out. Akira and Suzuya’s squads were watching and expecting a battle versus the ghoul, Centipede.

Saiko stared. Sasaki had caught all of the bullets between his fingers without fail. He didn’t show the pain he felt from the burning skin, but he did drop all of them RC suppressant bullets to the ground.

Akira no longer saw Haise Sasaki; she only saw Centipede. He was the ghoul who took her future- her happiness that she had only just learned how to hope for. Amon. This _ghoul_ had killed Amon.

Sasaki finally spoke, but he made no effort to be loud. If Akira could not hear, she’d need to get closer. “Akira-san, this is not necessary.” His face was blank, but as such, it meant it also held no malice or ill will either.

He meant no harm. None at all.

When she couldn’t respond, she fell back to protocol. At this point, it was her responsibility to ask the man a series of questions.

She dropped her aim, knowing there were a few around her ready to attack at any second anyway. In her left hand was her quinque. She cracked it slightly as she stepped closer to him and began with the first question.

“What is your name?” Her voice was venom. He wasn’t Sasaki Haise. Not anymore. He didn’t even look like him. What was the point? She needed to avenge Koutarou.

“Sasaki Haise.” It was automatic.

Saiko felt herself nod. He was. Sasaki wasn’t going to leave.

Shirazu felt himself tense and Urie coughed. Apparently he was well enough now to at least be able to tell exactly was going on.

“That bastard,” Kuki muttered in a haze.

Shirazu said nothing.

“What is your mission?” She was now only a few meters away.

“Infiltrate the underground ghoul auction and eliminate Big Madame, Nutcracker, any Aogiri members present, and the remaining ghouls there within. Locate and evacuate all civilians.”

She looked briefly to his hands before meeting his hollow eyes once more. They had already healed.

“What are you- human or ghoul?”

“Both.”

Shots fired, and, this time, Kaneki could not stop a single one. Three of the RC suppressants hit him in the chest. He didn’t flinch, but he felt himself getting weaker. Another one, and he’d no longer be able to stand. Akira’s gun in her right hand was smoking.

“Maman!” Saiko stood in front of him suddenly, arms spread, ready to block the next bullet. She wasn’t sure herself what had come over her, but she was sure that the person she was choosing to protect now was the only one that had ever treated her with true selfless kindness. She’d protect that if she could, even if it meant risking the life she currently lived.

“That was the wrong answer.” Akira Mado stared coldly into his eyes. She could only see a monster. This was the person that killed Amon. Did it mean that the time she spent together with Sasaki Haise meant nothing? They smiled together. Laughed together. He honestly looked up to her as a mentor. Was she the monster?

“It was the honest one.” Sasaki responded plainly.

“Rank 3 Yonebashi Saiko, step aside.” Akira finally acknowledged the underling.

“Do as she says, Saiko,” his voice was still cold. His expression was still empty. He was shaking again, but this time not from his memories. The RC Suppressants were starting to take their affect. He wouldn’t hold out much longer. She didn’t move.

“Rank 3 Shirazu, put down Rank 2 Urie. Rank 3 Yonebashi and Rank 3 Shirazu, locate and recover Rank 3 Mutsuki” He looked down at Saiko, expression still blank, “That’s an order, Rank 3 Yonebashi.”

Saiko stared only a moment before running over to Shirazu who had already set Urie down. Not only had Mutsuki not been found yet, but he needed them out of here. There was no telling what would happen next and the last thing he wanted was for them to be caught in the middle.

Another shot fired and Sasaki’s knees buckled. His breathing became labored and uneven.

“Stop right there. You don’t take orders from a ghoul.” Akira was now standing over him. None of the other investigators made a move. They knew it was personal to Akira Mado, but aside from that, none of them had any interest in saving someone they already held suspicions for. She was exterminating a ghoul. No harm in that.

“We have had no contact with Rank 3 Mutsuki . . . Let them go,” Kaneki inwardly began to panic as his senses became dull. Was he doing the right thing? Was this approach the right one? Was he going to die trying to prove this bizarre sort of pacifism after he just displayed such incredible strength and lack of control? Was this it?

“ _Go_.”

Arima.

The two Quinx looked to their leader a moment before exchanging glances and heading in the direction of the cells. They needed to save Mutsuki, wherever he was.

Before Akira or Kaneki could respond to the new presence, a pleased squeal followed by a loud crash erupted though the hall. Juuzou had successfully taken down Big Madame. The fight was very nearly over and other than evacuating the other civilians which was happening in another room altogether and eliminating the few left over ghouls that were either in hiding or attempting to escape down various passageways, there was only one ghoul left- Centipede.

The drama that was playing out center stage involving Centipede was being watched carefully by one of Akira’s squad members who was constantly relaying the information to Marude. The two squads that had been battling Naki had followed his attempted escape out of the main hall while the three squads that had come from behind were meeting the escaping ghouls outside. That left only Akira, Suzuya, and now Arima’s squad left in the hall. They attempted to go about through the bodies, ensuring ghouls were dead and searching for any investigators in need of medical help, but all of them were constantly stealing glances at the drama below. They would need to act immediately if anything were to happen. Akira’s squad alone wouldn’t be enough to take down Centipede, though now that Arima was there and Suzuya was no longer preoccupied . . .

Kaneki felt a bit of relief. He had been unable to kill Big Madame when he and his comrades had taken down the Ghoul Restaurant.

“ _Thank you, Juuzou_ ,” he whispered without realizing it. Everything was becoming so hazy due to the suppressants.

“Haise,” Arima knelt in front of him so that he could meet his gaze. Akira had backed down. It wasn’t her place, and she knew it. She’d been taught from a very young age to respect authority, no matter what feelings were involved.

“Arima,” he responded blankly. He could see the man in front of him, but he didn’t know what to say.

Shouldn’t he be scared? Horrified? This man was his grim reaper. Well, his second one.

“Your memories have returned.” No, it wasn’t a question.

“Some of them,” he admitted, his eyes finally showing a glimmer of sadness. How could he still trust Arima? He had invested a good portion of his life as Haise with Arima. He’d grown to trust him in some things- not all things- never all things, but some. “ _Enough_ ,” he whispered, suddenly very tired.

Arima reached forward and began to pull the bullets out. They were a decent size as they were tranquilizers. They were no longer hot, either. He needed Haise awake at least, so anything would help. If they stayed in, he wouldn’t heal, either.

Akira spoke up then, trying not to let her disgust be heard in her voice as she watched the intimacy between them. She couldn’t hear everything that was being said between them, but the fact that Arima was pulling out the RC Suppressants was enough to get her blood boiling. “Marude is requesting Centipede’s _extermination_.”

Kaneki didn’t even flinch. He was focusing on staying awake and recovering from the bullets.

“Marude.” Arima spoke into his mic.

“Arima.” Marude was rather confident of this decision, but he’d hear what the other had to say.

“Both Sasaki Haise and Centipede belong to me. Washuu has left him as my responsibility. I will decide what to do with him.” His tone inferred there was no room for negotiation and any questions should be sent to Washuu himself.

“Understood. Finish up over there.” He only complied, because he trusted the bastard, and if there was an issue, likely Arima would be the only one able to handle it anyway.

Akira was speechless but swallowed her pride. She suddenly remembered what Haise had said before about her being like a mother figure and Arima being like a father figure to him. She bit her lip.

Kaneki felt indifferent. He didn’t want anyone deciding his future, but he’d been a prisoner for a long time. The truth was that it was nothing new.

Arima stood, “Rank 1, Sasaki Haise,” Haise stood as well on two somewhat shaky legs. At least he could stand now. “What will you do now?”

It was like Arima to leave it up to him. Arima had a twisted way of teaching others, but it worked. In fact, it worked well. For all the successful personal relationships he lacked, he was still an amazing teacher. Haise wondered if he knew that.

“I want to live.” He didn’t want to die. No, he did, but he was too selfish to take his own life. He should be dead. He deserved death, but- maybe this was his second chance. Maybe his life as Haise was his second chance.

“I-I want to remain Rank 1 Sasaki Haise of the CCG, leader and mentor of the Quinx Squad.” That was his salvation, right?

“I’ll see what I can do. Let’s go.” Haise’s eyes were wide. What? It had worked? Arima still trusted him? Why? Why on Earth did he trust him? He knew how easily he lost control. He knew his true nature, right?

_I’m a monster. I’m a monster who protected no one- who let others die. I’m a monster who ate-_

And suddenly, he was vomiting on his knees. There was nothing really in his stomach to vomit, so it wasn’t as putrid as it could have been, but it was enough to look pathetic.

Arima recovered him quickly, standing him up like a rag doll. It only took one shot to take him down last time he had gone berserk. This time, he had been shot four times. It was a wonder he was even conscious.

“Akira, you have cuffs?”

She tossed them over. They were necessary because he was losing consciousness. There was no telling if he would slip into his ghoul self again. Arima used them quickly.

“Don’t struggle, Haise.” Haise knew. These were the ghoul cuffs made from quinque metal and they had needles with RC suppressants that would puncture if one struggled too much. Any more suppressants and he would pass out.

“Akira, follow us out.”

“Yes, sir.” She raised her gun so that it would be easy enough to dispose of him if there was any sign he'd attempt escape once they made it outside.

Haise could only process that he was still alive, and he held onto that thought, trying desperately to not let his mind wander to his newly recovered memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope Akira wasn't /too/ angry. I think she'd come around once she got to know Kaneki, but for now, after seeing what he just did, she's just in shock maybe. /hide.  
> I'll be doing a chapter for each Quinx, and maybe nothing else after that unless you guys have some ideas?  
> Also, it'll be pretty angsty, because I'm writing Kaneki without being able to remember if he ate Hide or not. Sad times for Kaneki. /sob


	4. Debriefing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the Prelude, chapter 1.

As soon as Arima left, a heavy atmosphere fell upon the chateau. They were all in the meeting room downstairs. The Quinx were sitting around the room while Haise was standing. The Quinx had been given a few weeks to prepare themselves mentally for living with the person that was only somewhat their mentor as they knew him, but actually seeing the man in front of them made each of them fall back into their initial response to when they’d first seen Kaneki when finding Serpent.

Urie was angry, and his frustration was as present on his face as it always was. He wasn’t wearing his headphones now out of respect towards Arima, but he certainly wished he was. Whatever this ghoul who got a promotion for accomplishing absolutely nothing had to say, didn’t interest him. Yeah, he’d saved his life. That was true. He owed him, again. That was true. But he’d also let Rabbit get away, and apparently some girl from Aogiri, too. Why the hell was Arima trusting him if he let Aogiri just walk the fuck away? And he got a promotion for that? What the hell was that? No, Urie hadn’t been awake for what Ginshi had described as the most disturbing shit he’d ever seen, but the end result was the same. He didn’t deserve a promotion. He just didn’t. The ghoul hadn’t accomplished shit.

Mutsuki was nervous. He had made it out of the mission unscathed which was more than could be said of most of the investigators, and he’d even managed to save a few of the hostages after two ghouls had begun fighting over who would get to eat him. It didn’t warrant a promotion, but he did receive a few honorary awards, not that they mattered much to him. When he had reunited with the other Qs after everything was over, it was Shirazu that had explained Sasan’s absence. Mutsuki had been dreading this day, but he had to admit that it wasn’t going the way he thought it would. He would have thought that Sasaki would have left the CCG. After all, he was a ghoul, and he clearly had a past life in which he was friends with some of them. What was keeping him here? The CCG was technically using him up to this point, right? Why did he stay? Mutsuki felt a chill on the back of his neck. He didn’t understand, and it scared him, though he’d never admit that out loud.

Shirazu was astonished. His initial denial at the auction had been since overshadowed by his first reaction towards Kaneki during the fight with Serpent. The way Sasaki had faced Akira was just amazing, and, after he’d heard from Urie about what he’d said to Arima, Shirazu couldn’t think of a person he admired more. Sasaki risked his life for the Quinx, and he’d risk even more than that. Who the hell knew what happened to him the past few weeks at Cochlea or what deals or sacrifices he’d had to make to come back here to them. He could remember the conversation they’d had that night at the bar when they were trying to get a lead on Nutcracker. He had said he’d stay, and he did. He was still here in spite of everything. Shirazu saw him as nothing more than brave- honorable, even.

Yonebashi was concerned. Sasaki had spent the past several weeks at Cochelea. Why did he deserve to go there? Was his past that bad- so bad that it had caused this transformation in him? Were his memories that painful? She had been having nightmare since that night. She thought of that scream he had emitted as he was breaking his former comrade’s, or so she assumed, bones. Sasaki had been through a lot, hadn’t he? He had been through things she couldn’t even imagine- things she couldn’t find in a video game or anime plot. She realized after that night how incredibly spoiled she was and how incredibly weak she let herself be. Sasaki was still the same person under that blank exterior, right? He had to be. She had faith in him. But could he come back? Was her Maman lost forever? Would he smile again? She wasn’t entirely sure why, but she wanted to see him smile again. That was okay, wasn’t it? Was it asking too much? Since that day, she hadn’t touched a game controller. She spent most of her time at the CCG training center. She went alone without the other Qs.

Kaneki looked at each of them, attempting to soften his own expression. Did he look friendly now? He’d also had weeks to prepare for this, but he honestly didn’t know what to say. Should he bring up what happened that night? Should he tell them about his past? Should he throw in a pun or two? Would that lighten the mood? He couldn’t really think of any at the moment-

“A-hem.” Kuki cleared his throat as a sign of impatience. Haise registered the act immediately, and looked nonplussed in the boy’s direction.

Arima had told him to be himself. Right. That meant saying the first thing that came to his mind, right?

“Urie, I’ve had enough of you being such an asshole all the time and thinking that’s perfectly acceptable behavior.” Kuki only responded by meeting his superior’s gaze from his chair with his same disinterested expression. The other three Qs stared.

Instead of waiting for some ridiculous retort from his charge, Sasaki began, “Tomorrow, each of you are training with me one on one in the training room. Urie, you’ll be first. 7:00am. Yonebashi, you’ll be next at 10:00. Shirazu, I’ll see you there at 2:00, and Mutsuki, I want you there at 5:00. Frankly, none of you seem to understand your position here.” His words were firm like Haise’s had been when he was reprimanding them. His tone was the same, even if his words were a little more harsh.

Had that been too much? He added, “Any questions?”

The Quinx were silent. This wasn’t going well. Kaneki scratched his cheek with his index finger, a little embarrassed. He didn’t know what the right thing to say was.

“I’m not really good with words,” he admitted, eyes downcast.

Saiko took her chance, “You never have been, Maman.” She smiled lazily at him, hoping that by some miracle her simple words could help her superior in some way.

Sasaki looked at her and smiled softly, his eyes still empty but his effort did not go unnoticed. Saiko returned the smile tenfold. He could still smile. She felt relieved.

Yeah, he could do this.

“I know this is late, but, concerning the auction infiltration mission, Mutsuki, thank you for your bravery. You saved those three girls, so you should feel proud of yourself for that. Shirazu, thank you for always putting the safety of the others first. Saiko. Urie. We’ll discuss your behavior tomorrow during training.”

It was quiet again.

After a long pause where Sasaki must have been re-thinking his words, Mutsuki refused to look up at him but offered a question, “Sa-Sasan, how did it happen?”

The others all had their eyes on Sasaki. They all wanted to know actually.

“Mucchan?” Mutstuki looked up, surprised a little that this new Sasaki would still be using those childish nicknames that Saiko had given everyone, “You’re asking why I’m half-ghoul?”

Mutstuki nodded. Kaneki sat down. He could do this. He could do this without giving too many details and without letting his memories take over his thoughts. They wanted to know, and it was only right. He had their files. They had only what they knew from interactions with him. It was natural to be curious about these things.

“I spent the first 19 years of my life human,” he began, conveniently skipping so much bullshit by summing up the first nineteen years of his life with just that- the time that he was human. Bizarre.

“I went on a date with a girl I had met in a coffee shop. She turned out to be a ghoul. There was an accident,” which was definetily planned and was by no means an accident at all. Of course, he left that out, “and when I woke up in the hospital, I had already had the female ghoul’s organs transplanted into me.”

They stared. Even Urie didn’t know what to say. There was a moment of confusion before Shirazu piped in, “You mean the doctor just transferred her organs into you- just like that? Without consent!? Didn’t he know she was a ghoul?”

“Yes. I . . . was an experiment of sorts,” there were things Kaneki was still unsure of, too. Yeah, it was Dr. Kanaou, but who had told him to do it? Why had it happened in the first place?

No changing it now, anyway.

Shirazu was visibly upset by this, and Kaneki felt a little embarrassed. It showed how much his subordinate cared. “So, you had no idea what happened or what was going on or- anything?!”

“None,” Kaneki felt himself smile a little. It must have been because of Shirazu’s open concern.

Saiko was quiet. She couldn’t imagine what it must have been like. She felt herself exchange glances with Mutsuki. They were thinking the same thing.

Kaneki went on, “I realized I was a ghoul when I couldn’t eat anything and no metal could cut me. Mostly the eating part. All I could drink was coffee.” He smirked. He had been such an idiot back then. It was so long ago now.

He wanted to finish this quickly. It was stirring up too much. “I wasn’t alone,” he let out in a breath. “But that’s how it happened, anyway.”

“Man, I can’t imagine,” Shirazu said aloud what was on all of their minds.

Kaneki didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.

Kuki all but growled the next question, “So, why are you still here?”

The other three Quinx shot him a meaningful look. He meant, ‘Why did you choose to stay with the CCG?’ but he was acting like an asshole about it.

Kaneki’s hand went o his chin thoughtfully and his right hand held his left elbow, “Well, I think I’m most needed here.”

“I think I can be the most useful here.”

_I deserve this._

His eyes were empty again- his expression downcast. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He pulled his hand away from his chin.

Saiko yawned suddenly in an exaggerated fashion, and Kaneki took the opportunity.

“Anything else? I’d like to get to bed myself.”

“What’s your real name?” Urie just wanted to verify. If this guy was ‘Kaneki’, then he had a lot of connections to Aogiri and some top-ranked ghouls. What was the CCG doing about that?

There was a change in his tone and he didn’t look at any of them when he stood up to leave, “It was Kaneki Ken, but you’ll refer to me as Sasaki Haise.” After a beat, he added, “7:00am, Urie.”

He walked out of the room and made a beeline for his own bedroom, mentally kicking himself for not even leaving them with a simple ‘goodnight’. He’d been too harsh, hadn’t he? Sasaki locked his bedroom door behind him. He needed sleep. Things would be better in the morning. He could do this. They needed him, right?

_Right?_


	5. This Used to be My Playground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haise takes a stroll down Memory Lane, and Saiko follows him.  
> Inspired by Madonna's "This Used to be My Playground"  
> /I'm feeling my age.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, first of all, I want to thank all of you so much for your feedback and support- especially the thoughtful comments concerning writing, characters, etc. I really appreciate it.  
> Quite honestly, the other fic I'm writing is my baby, and this was just something I threw together to fill a request on the kink meme. I wasn't taking it very seriously, but since so many of you seem to like it, I will try to invest a bit more into it.  
> Thank you all for your patience (I actually work about 12 hour days 5 days a week, so I can't update much unless it is the weekend), and I hope that my writing meets your standards! Thank you!  
> Also, thanks to your support, I thought of a few other things I could do with remaining chapters. Please enjoy!
> 
> Oh! This chapter takes place about three to four weeks after the 4th chapter.

She heard him walk down the stairs. Everyone had a bedroom upstairs except for her, though his had been at another end of a hallway to at least give him some amount of privacy from his subordinates. She knew it was him, because the steps were light, but not careful. Shirazu was noisy. Urie was heavy. Mutuski was light, but gentle, as if even the smallest noise would wake the whole house.

Saiko realized suddenly that his footsteps hadn’t changed. For everything that had, Haise still had the same thoughtful footsteps coming down the stairs in the small hours of the morning. It was comforting. Almost every day she was able to take note of things that were still the same between Sasaki then and now. Maybe he hadn’t been such a terrible person back then? Maybe he wasn’t as awful as he appeared when he fought ruthlessly. He had showed Rabbit mercy even in his crazed state, right? Of course, that had been after breaking half of his bones.

Why was he coming down so late at night? Saiko set down her manga, and quietly began to dress. If he was leaving the chateau, she wanted to be ready. She hoped with all of her heart that this wouldn’t be the case, but if the Quinx had learned anything since Haise had regained his memories, it was that she should be ready for surprises. She was tying her long blue hair when she heard the front door click softly closed and the lock turn gently. He was leaving. Why? Why, in the middle of the night, 1:00am, was he leaving? Was he done with them? Was he meeting old friends?

Knowing how careful her superior was, Saiko opened her window and stepped out, closing it quietly behind her. He would have seen her, she was sure, if she had gone through the front door. Just as she stepped around the chateau, she saw him turn the corner.

The trains had already stopped running. If he was going somewhere, it wouldn’t be far, right? She guessed he could travel with his kagune. Would Kaneki do something like that? It didn’t seem like Haise would. She rarely made these comparisons, but it paid to be thoughtful. The Quinx were sharing experiences here and there with each other when they felt something off about Haise though, for the most part, anything Urie had to say had never been useful.

She continued to follow him carefully, being at a respectable distance the whole time. It was a cold night- no more than 10 degrees Celsius. The air was dry, though, and it took some amount of self-restraint for her to not stop by every vending machine she saw to get a Royal Milk Tea or a Corn Soup. She noticed that Haise seemed to be avoiding going down any main streets. He was winding through neighborhoods, and for a little while, Saiko wondered if he even really had a destination. They’d been walking now for an hour, and while his pace remained steady, his direction didn’t. It partly felt like he was discovering the streets for the first time, but also remembering them in turn.

When she saw a familiar glimmer of a station she rarely visited , she realized they weren’t even in the same ward anymore. Why had he come this far? Why hadn’t he taken his car? Was he really leaving? He didn’t have anything on him, though. He was wearing a gray coat and a scarf that somehow reminded her of Arima, but he had no bags and as he walked, she didn’t hear anything move in his pockets or coat.

 _Maman, what’s going on?_ She looked up at the moon. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, but Tokyo’s light pollution was working its magic. There were stars, but few. She was a little grateful they were in this old neighborhood. Otherwise, she would see even fewer.

And that’s when he turned the corner into a playground. Saiko waited on the corner of the block across the street. The playground was downhill from where she was, so she was able to see most of it. They were in an older neighborhood- not a well-kept one, but not one that people made effort to shy away from out of fear of criminal activity, either. The playground seemed just as old. She actually never saw these old types of playgrounds anymore- the ones with the large domes for slides that were hollow so that children could crawl and play underneath them. She’d personally only seen one before, and she had been too old to even play in it. To say the least, they weren’t popular any longer.

It also had a set of swings and some bars for climbing, but they looked equally worn. The swings were even the long linked chains rather than the short chains that moved much better and didn’t rust as bad. She put it together- was this a place from his past?

She watched the man with the white hair walk up the steps to sit on the blue dome. She wondered absently if it was a penguin or an igloo or just some lame blue nameless dome. She watched from her spot still safely on the other side of the street as he sat down, pulled his knees in close, wrapped his arms around his legs, and then tucked his head down between them.

Haise looked like he was trying to make himself as small as possible. From her position on the hill, Saiko mentally commended him for doing a such fantastic job at this.

The Quinx waited what had felt like twenty minutes but had only been maybe four or five before she quietly crossed the street, stepped over the chain fence of the playground, and hid behind a well-placed tree. She’d just listen for a while. She was close enough now that she could hear even his breathing if she focused hard enough, but if she stepped any closer, he’d surely hear her.

The blue-haired Quinx crouched down, a bit tired from walking such a long distance in the cold without having slept at all that night yet. She listened, careful not to let her twin tails fall in the sand as she leaned forward to absently draw circles in the ground with a twig.

She never stopped to think about her own actions. She never questioned why she had followed him for so long or even why she’d followed him out of the chateau in the first place. The Quinx had just started getting dressed even if the possibility of him merely needing a glass of water was higher than Haise leaving the chateau itself. She didn’t even think about it.

He really was more important to her than her own family. Haise could never actually be her mother, but her brother didn’t fit well either. She associated Haise with the idea of family, but none of the titles that went along with that category seemed to fit. He was . . .

_Home._

_Sasan was home._

Home was a place where you felt safe. It was a place you trusted would always be there- a place that you could always go back to that would accept you no matter what. Home was the place where one could relax and find peace.

Now, after seeing what her Maman was capable of, it felt a little strange to think of Haise as something abstract like ‘home’, but as she thought on it, she realized that there was nothing more fitting. She needn’t feel guilt over it. She honestly felt that safe with him . . . despite everything.

Saiko mulled over the situation she had actually found herself in- really, how many blocks back was that vending machine? Two? It had hot coffee but it had all been black. She hated that stuff. It wasn’t sweet enough. Oh, this was a playground. Surely there was a vending machine nearby that had-

Saiko sucked in air and held it. Was she hearing this correctly? She peeked around the tree. No, Haise hadn’t moved, had he? However, his back was shaking, wasn’t it?

No, the Quinx’s ears were not deceiving her. He really was. _Sasaki was crying._

<><><><><><><><><><> 

Kaneki had told Arima in the past at one of their meetings that he’d wander here at some point. Since he was being forced to wear the black quingue metal anklet 24/7 on his right leg, Arima would know he was going somewhere anyway. It was better that Kaneki’d told him than Arima being woken up at 2:00am just to find out that his charge had wandered down Memory Lane. Kaneki was grateful that Arima didn’t ask for specifics- like _when_ he’d choose to visit his old neighborhood. Kaenki wouldn’t be able to tell him anyway. He’d only answer in some abstract way with something like whenever he was _ready_.

The half-ghoul had taken to writing down things that he owed the Shinigami. It helped him with his patience with the man, because really, there were plenty of things that Arima did that angered him, that upset him, that hurt him, but when he realized what Arima had blessed him with specifically, gone out of his way to do just for him, Haise was able to relax a little more. He hated being in this debt, but this was his situation now. There was no escaping it, and the anklet he wore only proved that. It was more than just a tracking device, of course. It was also filled with RC suppressant. Any tampering with it, even if it was hit or dealt a blow, would cause the liquid to be injected into his blood stream. It was enough to effectively paralyze him within about a minute or two.

There was nothing more terrifying than the _inability to do anything_.

The reason he was here now wasn’t because it was a special day. Nothing in particular had happened today that was bad, either. In fact, today was simple, boring even. There hadn’t been any memories in particular that had surfaced and he hadn’t come across anyone from his past, too.

He’d done one thing that night before he had gone to bed.

He had picked up the phone to dial _his_ number.

It was such a simple action. It happened so naturally as if he had done it just yesterday rather than nearly three years ago.

It was stupid- stupid enough to be the final bit to tip the scale. That’s why Ken was here now. He couldn’t take it anymore. Every day, he was met with the same conflict. He wanted his life to end. He genuinely didn’t want to live anymore, because not only was he still not 100% at peace with what he’d become but also because he’d eaten _him_ \- the one person that he’d tried so hard to protect. He’d eaten him. _Eaten him._ But that was the thing. It would be wrong to waste the life he had died to preserve. Kaneki knew it would be wrong- _so wrong_. Dying would be the opposite of what he’d want for Kaneki.

_And so he lived._

He lived remembering every day what he had done to survive. He lived remembering every day what he had _sacrificed_. He lived every day wishing he hadn’t- in regret- _wishing that he had been the one to die, because Hide was the person who deserved to live._ Hide was the _good_ person. He was the person who made others happy. He was the person whose story _shouldn’t have been a tragedy_. Should never have been a tragedy. It had only been a tragedy because he’d somehow ended up a part of Kaneki’s story. Everything was his fault.

Kaneki pulled his knees in tighter and let himself cry- ugly, disgusting, sobs of hollow and long bottled up despair.

_Hide, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry- Hide-why? Why did you have to die then? Why was I so weak? Why did you accept me so openly even though I am clearly a monster? Why did you care? Why? Why? Why? I can’t have you back. I treated you so poorly. I had so many things I should have said. You died. I killed you. It was me- Hide- why?!_

He pulled his knees in even tighter. He wanted to be as small as he felt. He wanted to just disappear. Kaneki only allowed himself this moment, because he was sure no one would see him- no one would know how weak he actually was right now- how much he desired for it just to finally all be _over_.

He heard a squeak of plastic, and looked up suddenly with eyes red from tears. There was a person with blue twin tails walking the few steps up the slide to be on top of the dome.

It was Saiko. Why was she here? Why had she come? How had he let her see him like this? He stared, unsure of how to respond or what to say.

And then, despite his tear-stained face and his embarrassing bit of snot, he smiled, wiped his nose stealthily with his sleeve as he pretended to stretch, and spoke, “Saiko, you’re out so late! We have work in the morning, you know?”

_Please, go away. I don’t need you to see me like this._

He watched as she kept stepping closer to him, and then moved to sit on her knees beside him. She wasn’t having any of it.

“You’re supposed to be training with Urie tomorrow, right? You really need your sleep or-“

Her expression was by far the most serious he’d ever seen her. She almost never showed her true feelings. She was the type of person to keep things to herself, to never let on what she knew or what she was capable of. She had spent a huge portion of her time as a Quinx convincing herself and everyone else that she didn’t care, because not caring was the easiest thing to do. But she had changed, and Haise had seen it in the few weeks he’d been back. He was seeing it now.

_Saiko, please go home. I can’t-_

 “ _Maman_ ,” she didn’t say another word as she hugged him, not accepting any attempts he might make at pushing her away using force or words or anything he could come up with. She wasn’t going anywhere and Kaneki soon realized that. Saiko’s arms tightened around him, and after a few stifled sobs, Haise finally gave in and returned the embrace, forehead resting on her scarf somewhere in the area of her collarbone. He let himself cry, somewhat hating himself for depending on the young woman for support, but desperately needing the affection anyway.

He was reminded of Hinami when he hugged her. The embrace was so familiar, and he recalled that he had thought the same that night weeks prior when he’d gotten everything back- no, when he’d _realized what he’d lost._

Kaneki wasn’t sure how long he’d been crying or how far he had spiraled into his dark thoughts when her words pulled him back again, “Maman, _we need you_.”

He gulped and moved to hold her tighter. His world was so dark. Every day was so dark living knowing that he had been the person to destroy his own sun. Yet, he was still needed somewhere? Really? Could he succeed in protecting them? He wasn’t strong enough yet. He needed to be strong enough to leave the CCG. More than that, he needed to be strong enough to leave the CCG and take all of them with him. He knew that himself and the Quinx were expendable. Staying in a place where you were expendable meant only one thing- you had an expiration date. It was only a matter of time. He had to get strong enough before their worth expired.

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” he heard himself promise in return tears still falling though his body was no longer shaking and his sobs had subsided.

Saiko hadn’t expected to hear that. Really, it surprised her, but after she played out memories in her mind of things Sasaki had said, it began to make sense. She knew the best way to respond, even if it wasn’t what she really wanted to say in return.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't have the HideKane tag on this, because, in this fic, I don't think it was something Kaneki ever realized. He thinks of Hide as his most important person, but that doesn't always have to be romantic, you know? :D


	6. Back to Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the 4th chapter and before the 5th chapter.
> 
> I messed up and had to go back and edit the first chapter. Haise was promoted to First Class, not Associate SC. Sorry about that.

There were eight investigators seated around the table of the meeting room at the CCG 1st Ward branch office. Kiyoko Aura and Haise Sasaki were representing the 1st Ward. Koori Ui was there for the 4th and was accompanied by Arima Kishou. Itsuki Marude was there for the eleventh ward, and Juuzou Suzuya was there for the thirteenth. Finally, Kousuke Houji was representing the 20th ward, and Matsuri Washuu was there as head of this particular investigation. Why? The samurai. He was a ghoul that couldn’t seem to sit still. He was in the 20th Ward one minute, the 13th the next, the 1st a day later. He was making waves across Tokyo attacking ghouls and humans and investigators alike, and he had already been spotted in the 1st through 4th Wards as well as the 10th through 14th wards. However, he’d been seen in the 20th Ward all of six times. It was where he had been most consistently. The samurai had a long sword and wore a helmet with a traditional bamboo curtain that covered his face. Only one person had survived a run in with him, and that was only because, according to the survivor’s report, he had been approached and called away by someone in an Aogiri cloak. Ui Koori, of the 4th Ward, had made the repot and while Haise had read it, he felt certain that it must have been written by Arima himself. They used the same style when reporting activity. It was no wonder, since Ui, like Haise himself, had been trained by Arima, but still-

It was a little strange to follow someone so closely that even your writing style was so similar that it was indistinguishable from the original.

Haise had only met Ui once. Arima had never talked about him. He actually had little to go off of, so he had always been a little eager for their paths to cross. Unfortunately, he wasn’t really feeling that way today. He had only been back from Cochlea about a week. He was still . . . adjusting . . . to things. What’s more, his visits to the CCG were always mentally exhausting. To be in a room full of Associate Special Class investigators just made things worse.

He’d met all of them before, briefly for the most part, but it didn’t make anything easier. He caught all of them stealing glances at him aside from Arima, Ui, and Juuzou. Of course, Arima and his prior apprentice just didn’t seem interested, and Juuzou was by no means stealing anything; he was blatantly staring. He seemed ridiculously eager to speak to Kaneki, but they hadn’t had a chance on account of Kaneki arriving late to the meeting and it being outside of etiquette to pounce on someone in search of snacks part way into a very important meeting.

So, from the report given by Ui, the only assumption then was that the Samurai was affiliated with Aogiri even if he didn’t don the garb particular to the ghoul organization.

“So, the only problem we’re having right now is that we aren’t able to predict where Samurai will appear next. He’s clearly got a pattern here so far. Could you elaborate, Marude? You’re more familiar with the details there.” Ui turned to look at the passionate investigator causing his straight black hair to fall slightly around his face. He was beautiful, too, like Arima. The thought confused Kaneki briefly before he shoved it to the back of his mind.

The Associate Special Class Investigator took his cue and put his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together before he began, “The ghoul fancies himself some sort of vigilante. He has been targeting crooked cops, two investigators that were known among their co-workers as particularly merciless towards lesser ranked ghouls, and he actually killed a man we later found incriminating evidence against as a serial rapist at a nearby university.”

“Why is Rank 1 Sasaki even here?” Washuu interrupted and all but sneered when he said the half-ghoul’s name. He asked only because he was in charge of the case and he had never invited him to this particular meeting. He did not hide his feelings for Kaneki in the least.

“Because I’m First Class.” Kaneki met his with an exaggerated gesture with his hands impersonating what some rich snob might do when introducing themselves. He was no longer a Rank 1 level Investigator; Onitsune had promoted him to First Class for reasons even he wasn't quite sure of.

“Quit while you’re ahead.” Arima did not approve of the pun in the slightest.

“Getting caught up in a vendetta with Matsuri is only asking for such. He clearly has no intention of working with me.” Haise was using another meaning of Matsuri’s name which meant a ‘quarrel’ or ‘dispute’ to make a pun. He was smiling far more brightly than necessary.

Juuzou didn’t stifle his laughter this time, clearly entertained by Haise’s string of puns.

Arima smiled with his hand over his mouth. He had never thought that Haise would actually get better at his puns once his memories had returned. Sure, they were far more biting now, but it was certainly entertaining if one wasn’t on the receiving end.

“Haise, enough.”

Even hearing the displeasure in Arima’s voice and being met with Washuu’s piercing glare, Kaneki could only feel a smug expression rising to his face.

Saying what was on his mind was actually helping him to relax. He’d never liked Matsuri Washuu who clearly held such open disdain for ghouls simply because they were ghouls. Even if it was a bit unfair, Kaneki felt impatient with people who used that line of reasoning. It was like people who hated all cats because one had scratched them badly once or they were following the stereotype that cats only looked out for number one. Such logical fallacies were childish at best, and he didn’t mind pointing them out when needed, though he did restrain himself now. The week he got back to the CCG during a meeting full of Associate Special Class investigators was not the right time or place.

“Sasaki is here to aid us on any information concerning prior ghoul activity.”

As if finishing Arima’s thoughts, Ui continued, “During your time with Aorgiri, which you reported of being a hostage of briefly in your time before joining the CCG, did you know anyone that may match the description of Samurai?”

Kaneki was thoughtful a moment. That build. The height. “I knew one . . . but it couldn’t be him.”

“And why is that?” Marude asked, curious.

“He was unable to use his kagune. Besides that, he’d never do anything that’s been reported of for Samurai.”

“Explain.” It was Marude again. He liked mysteries, but he hated when it felt people were leaving key clues out purposefully. He was not patient with those that withheld information or refused to take action.

“He hated it when people fought, and he didn’t enjoy it himself.”

“Hmph. A ghoul who is a pacifist? Give me a break.” Washuu. He was glaring and the distaste he showed for someone Kaneki thought highly of even though Washuu had never met him was pissing the half-ghoul off. Only because he was a ghoul . . .

A smile that didn’t belong to Haise but was spreading across his face anyway appeared, “I’d love to give you a break. Would you prefer your neck or your back?” Another pun.

“ _Haise.”_ Arima was quick to reprimand him. A bit of laughter erupted from Suzuya, but he quickly stifled it though his smile remained. Juuzou decided that Haise was even more fun than before.

“ . . . .”

“Useless,” Washuu said under his breath.

“I can be helpful if you’re actually willing to listen.” Of course Haise had heard him; he had a ghoul’s hearing.

“Right-“

“Continue, Haise.” Arima prodded.

“I think we’re ignoring a possibility here that’s staring us in the face.”

They all waited, their eyes on him. Kaneki suddenly became nervous. These people, especially together, could kill him in seconds if they wanted to. If he said something too suspicious, any one of them could appeal to Onitsune.

He was surprised when Ui actually spoke then, “I think I speak for most of us here in saying that we’re all curious about the theories of someone who lived in the world of ghouls.”

Kaneki didn’t really care for the comment as it inferred that the ghoul world was an entirely separate one from the human world, but he could tell that Ui didn’t necessarily mean anything like that by it. Haise briefly wondered if the relationship between Arima and Ui was different from the one he and Arima shared. Arima never spoke about Ui to Sasaki, but what about the other way around? Did Ui know more about him than he let on?

“I remember someone else who had a similar build.” The people around the table waited. It wasn’t that Kaneki was pausing for dramatic effect; it was that he had realized that his behavior and his words could easily get him killed, and as much as he contemplated such things every day, he didn’t want to be sliced into pieces by seven Associate Special Class investigators. One Special Class Investigator had been just enough to give him nightmares. He had to chalk the harmless results of his carelessness so far to Arima’s protection. He’d need to add it to the list of debts he had to Arima. _Well, crap._

“Amon Koutaro.”

“Why would you suggest that?” It was one of his direct superiors, Associate Special Class Investigator Aura.

“Seidou Takizawa.” Sasaki responded evenly, tone and expression quite serious.

“ . . . “ A few stole glances in Houji’s direction who didn’t even flinch. He was a rather well put together person, even after witnessing what he had at the auction house. Or maybe he was just good at hiding it.

“You people . . . Excuse me.” _Oh, that had been a bad mistake_ , “The CCG makes quinque. Perhaps Aogiri has taken to making half-ghouls.”

“That’s not anywhere near the same thing!” Kiyoko Aura was surprised by Haise making such a distinction.

“Is it? I mean, Takizawa is still alive. You kill ghouls and steal their kagune to use as weapons. Aogiri could be making weapons as well, but at least they leave the people alive.”

The room was silent.

“They’re _ghouls_.” Matsuri Washuu’s words were venom. He was clearly making the claim that it didn't matter if they lived or died.

“You’re saying that it’s _fine_ that Aogiri made Takizawa a ghoul and is using him for their own means as long as he is still alive?” Houji was still speaking evenly, but he seemed suddenly more invested in the conversation.

“Are you saying it’s better to be _dead_ than be a _ghoul_?” Kaneki countered.

No one spoke. Arima chose not to; that was the only thing keeping him separate from the others. He certainly had things he could say, but he’d let the others handle things if they could.

Kaneki went on, “If anyone should be allowed to make such a comparison, I would assume, I’d be the most entitled to do so.” It was a bold statement, but his expression was very serious.

“This is ridiculous.” Washuu looked angry from the turn the conversation had gone in.

Behind Arima’s hands, he was smiling. It was a possibility, anyway. It pleased him when Sasaki proved his worth beyond just being a ghoul. He was incredibly intelligent, and it was his experiences in both worlds- the human and the ghoul one- that were going to make him an incredible investigator. “But not impossible,” he finally spoke up.

“Koutaro Amon was killed during the Anteiku raid,” Marude reasoned, trying a different angle.

“With all due respect, I was actually _there with him_ ,” admittedly, on the opposite side, but that wasn’t the point, “I’m not sure what happened to First Class Investigator Amon after I left him, but _I_ didn’t kill him.” Kaneki did remember that. He'd been so scared at the time, but he was sure he would have remembered something like _that._

“This is too far-fetched.“ Aura reasoned.

“I disagree. Obviously, we’d need more evidence, but it is a possibility.” Houji spoke up in defense. He’d believe anything after he’d seen his former partner in that state.

“It’s interesting. It’s the best lead we have so far.” Suzuya was wearing a grin when he spoke for the first time during the meeting.

“It’s the _only_ lead we have so far.” Ui reasoned.

“Well, regardless of _who_ he is, we need a way to catch him.” Washuu needed this to be a profitable meeting.

“He seems to be operating on some sort of justice precedent.” Aura offered.

“We need bait. We could lure him in with another criminal.” Houji added, understanding Aura’s line of reasoning.

“Are you suggesting we let a human or ghoul escape prison?” Ui didn’t sound pleased.

“Not necessarily.” Houji responded quickly.

“I’ve got it.” Marude stood, “I’ve got a plan. Listen up.”

All eyes were transfixed. Marude had that fire in his eyes he only had when he was aching for victory. This might be their chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your support! Sorry if anyone was OOC. I kind of went off of some head canon for a few of these guys.


	7. Finger Food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place after Chapter 5.

Urie had been asleep when he received the phone call. He’d answered it without checking who it was or even the time. He wasn’t the most careful when he just woke up which he considered a weakness he needed to rectify. The truth was that he enjoyed sleeping; he liked dreams. For all the sleep he did avoid by spending hours reviewing case files, he actually valued the time he did sleep and understood how precious time spent sleeping actually was for one’s mental and physical health.

“Hmm?” Still, he needed to be more cautious.

“He’s leaving.”

So? . . . _Shit._ He knew that voice. It was Special Class Investigator Arima. _Shit. Shit._ “Sir.” What was he supposed to do? Why was Arima calling him in the dead of night? Who was ‘he’? Urie was still trying to come out of his sleep state. The feelings and images of his dreams were still fresh on his mind.

“Follow him.” _Sasaki._ Right. That was all? Only that. Urie began to move to dress himself.

“Yes, sir.” He needed to act quickly. He was aware that Sasaki had a tracking device on him, but he never imagined that Arima would trust him to follow after him. This was an honor. This meant promotion was on the horizon, right?

“Only you.”

“Yes, sir.” Well, this was unexpected, but it was a pleasant surprise. If he caught Kaneki doing something stupid, it would mean a promotion was guaranteed.

“Report back to me when the two of you return- no matter the time, of course.”

What if it was something serious? What if Sasaki was returning to Aogiri to be with his little ghoul family? What if there was something else going on? Urie knew that Arima wasn’t an idiot. Arima was trusting him in spite of these possibilities. Or was he trusting Sasaki? _Damn it._ That really should have been Urie’s first guess. Since Kaneki had gotten his memories back, it had become painfully obvious how close the two actually were. Arima had actually even visited the chateau twice; he never had before Sasaki’s memories had returned.

“Yes, sir.” His displeasure wasn’t present in his voice, right? He never found out. The phone went silent. Urie got dressed quickly, listening as the car started outside. The ghoul was taking the car? Wouldn’t that wake everyone else? He wasn’t very careful, was he?

Ginshi would be pissed if Urie took his bike, but, what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, right? It wasn’t like the Quinx had much of a choice. Urie adjusted the helmet before putting it on (because damn was Ginshi’s head big) and heading after his mentor.

The road was long. They’d already gotten onto a highway, a little surprising for Urie. That meant that Haise was traveling to another ward a distance away, was traveling outside of Tokyo, or was headed for Narita or Haneda. He’d never make it on a plane, though, right, because of the RC Scanners- _Wait, fuck._ _Right, he’s been going in and out of those all this time._ It was wrong of Urie to think of Sasaki as a full ghoul and forget that he was half. He mentally berated himself for it though he would never let another living soul know he had felt guilty for making that mistake. What else was in this direction? What if he was headed for that American Air Force Base? Urie wouldn’t be able to follow him after that.

_Where the hell are you going, stupid Sasaki?_

Had the ghoul figured out he was being followed? Was he just going to keep driving until Urie ran out of gas? This was ridiculous. Urie followed after as he saw the car a good half kilometer ahead of him turn on its blinker. South. They were headed south? On the toll road? Damn it. He would really owe Shirazu for this. Whatever. Arima was trusting him with this.

The toll road was empty this time of night. That meant that Urie would need to increase their distance exponentially. He moved back a kilometer. Then another. He could only barely see the lights ahead from the CCG vehicle and even then, it was only when they were on a hill. Damn. At this distance, he would lose him. He sped up again. Was there even enough gas for this? Why hadn’t Arima done it himself? What the hell could Sasaki be doing all the way out here in the country? There was nothing here but rice paddies and tiny tourist towns.

Keeping his eyes trained on the faint twin lights ahead, Urie let his mind wander.

He hoped he might get a promotion for this. At least, especially from the phone call, he now knew that Arima had him under his radar. Maybe this could be his redemption from the shit he’d pulled in the auction raid. That really had been a big fucking mistake. He learned from it. He’d be more careful. He knew better now what he was and wasn’t capable of. He couldn’t have Sasaki saving him like that again. It was too humiliating and it wasn’t going to prove anything.

He needed to do things right. But quickly. He had to finish his father’s work. It was the last connection he had to him- ghouls- being a ghoul investigator. There wasn’t really anything else in his life left. Painting. He liked that. –But it was his alone. It didn’t connect him to anyone else, especially not to someone who was family.

The car was exiting the highway. Hakone. The mountain town? What the hell was in Hakone? Wait a minute. Hakone was at least an hour outside of Tokyo! He’d been driving that long? Would his frustration with Sasaki never end? Even tailing him was a pain. What the hell?

Urie watched the car ahead exit the toll way and begin to take several turns, forcing Urie closer. They were steadily gaining elevation. He was surprised when Haise began to slow the car, and when he turned the corner, he saw that Sasaki had stopped on a curb that seemed like some sort of lookout from the mountain. The Quinx was so startled by the sudden stop on the road, that he kept driving past to avoid being seen. How could he have possibly seen that Sasaki had stopped? It was a winding road up a _mountain_. _Shit._

He’d have to stop and park his bike further up and then walk back. _Fuck._

Well, no time to waste. If this behavior wasn’t suspicious as fuck, he didn’t know what was. He parked the bike only half a kilometer up, dropped his helmet, and grabbed his briefcase. He would need to find a way down. It was pitch black save for the light of the moon. His eyes weren’t really improved much from his Quinx abilities- something else that was on his list of things to be irritated about. Why had he signed up for this damn experiment if it wasn’t going to help him be promoted faster?

He looked down the mountain and saw a very faint light many meters down from where Sasaki’s vehicle was. It was then that he noticed there was another car there. How strange. He was meeting someone then? Where was he? Shit. Had he already traveled that far down to where the light was? He must have been using his kagune.

Kuki cursed under his breath. It would be impossible for him to do so in the woods. He wasn’t that precise with his own koukaku yet. He’d just need to be careful walking down. He need to step in the mud the whole way down. Dead leaves would mean the death of him. He began to make his way down towards the light.

It took about twenty minutes to reach the light source, but it had been worth it, because the light was still present. That meant Sasaki was still meeting with someone, right?

Urie’s eyes went wide. The light had been coming from an electric lantern that was lying beside a corpse of what looked like some sort of businessman from his torn attire. Before Urie was a ghoul shamelessly feasting upon human flesh, digging into skin and pulling muscle to its mouth to bite hungrily into the tough tissue, blood spilling over hands back into the corpse below. He watched, horrified, as the ghoul pulled apart the rib cage with the same familiarity of the way someone might pull apart a crab or break open a coconut. There was even a sick snap, and suddenly Urie remembered waking up to that sound in the auction house as Haise screamed like his own bones were shattering and not the ghoul’s he was torturing. The Quinx watched as the bloody hand disappeared inside the corpse and the arm moved, as if the ghoul was feeling around, before withdrawing the heart and bringing it up to its mouth and biting viciously, blood spurting in several directions.

Urie couldn’t stand the site, and, without having any sort of self-control over the matter, he vomited at the base of the tree he was currently hiding behind. He wanted to stop, but he kept vomiting- expelling everything until there was nothing left inside him.

He heard the now familiar crack of Sasaki’s fingers. “Hey, Urie!” There was another horrifying snap and he turned around suddenly to see his superior waving at him to come closer. No, he wasn’t waving. He was waving the arm of the corpse, the hand flopping up and down as if to say, ‘Come here! Come here!’.

“Urie, I have an armful over here; can you help me out?”

Urie stared back in shock. Kaneki wasn’t wearing his uniform. He was wearing a cowl neck black sweater that was tight around his strong arms but hung loosely everywhere else. He was also wearing dark denim jeans of an ash gray color. He was smiling, his silver hair speckled with spots of red as he waved the detached limb causing the red to spill out in every which direction, “I may be armed, but I can promise you, I’m not dangerous!”

In complete shock, Urie began to step forward. Was he under some sort of spell? Was he just scared? He needed to pull out his quinque. No, he had learned his lesson. He needed to run the fuck away. He wasn’t anywhere near the same level of Kaneki Ken, the Centipede, the half-ghoul that made quick of the Rabbit that had made quick work of him. He couldn’t pull his eyes away from Kaneki’s- one familiar gray iris mismatched with a black and red kakugan. He stopped when he was about a meter away. He could see everything. _Everything._ He would of thrown up, but there was nothing left inside him. Instead, he fell to his knees in the grass. Was this the end?

Haise went on. “Are you okay, Urie? I think you might need to get a better _hand_ le on this situation. Here, have a hand.” Haise tossed the arm so that it landed right in front of his subordinate.

Urie looked from the arm to the corpse to his superior. This was Kaneki Ken? A monster. An absolute monster.

“I know you really enjoy being hands on with your learning. You took anatomy, right? Can you find the funny bone?” Haise laughed at his own pathetic jokes while cracking a few fingers.

What the hell was going on? This was a nightmare. A nightmare. It had to be.

“Why are you being so shy? You eat all the other meals I prepare for you back at the chateau. Go ahead. Enjoy the finger food!”

The last image Urie saw before passing out was a laughing Sasaki as he dug both of his hands into the corpse’s body and began to pull out various organs, the intestines spilling out suddenly in a bloody mess.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

Haise stopped moving and watched Urie a whole minute to be sure that he wasn’t moving at all save for a steady and labored breathing. He withdrew his hands from the body and sighed heavily. He reached around into the man’s back pocket to find the wallet and read his ID.

“Takeshi Morita. . . . I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Kaneki dug through the rest of the wallet. At least there weren’t any family photos in the wallet. He felt his eyes burn and he cracked a few fingers. Why did it matter to Kaneki if he had family or not? He hadn’t killed him; the man had committed suicide.

His eyes traced the scene he had made of the man’s limbs and gaping chest, “I’m so sorry.” Tears fell, but Kaneki ignored them. He needed to clean this up, and he needed to return Kuki to the chateau.

He put the wallet back in its place and set to setting up a car accident. It was the least he could do. If the man did have family, it would be better that he had died from an accident rather than purposefully choosing to leave his family and friends behind, right?

There was nothing he could really do about the heart though . . .

Sasaki wiped his mouth. He could hear Rize whisper that it would be quicker and far less tedious to just eat the body instead. He frowned. She really was an unreasonable ghoul.

Kaneki used his rinkaku to fix everything just so and even flipped the car to make it most believable. Morita had obviously not been wearing his seatbelt. The half-ghoul had used a towel to wipe blood from his face and hands, but he’d need to wait just a few more minutes before the blood on his clothing dried. Too bad. He really loved this sweater. It was even custom sewn with an open back. Maybe the blood would come out.

As he waited, he moved to sit next to his subordinate.

“I thought I knew what I was doing when I was your age, too,” he admitted. No, it had taken even longer for Kaneki to figure things out. No, he was still figuring them out. Did he really have what it takes to mentor the Quinx- no, to raise these kids?

Kaneki absently began to work the buttons closed on Urie’s trench coat just in case he was cold, “I wonder why you’re trying so hard to become more like what you despise so much.”

Someone with Urie’s attitude never would have volunteered for the Quinx experiment.

Was it all for the sake of a promotion?

Haise still had a lot to learn and understand about his subordinates if he was going to be the best mentor he could. Each one of them were so unique and had strengths and weaknesses that were still surprising him.

He hoped that his tactics this morning had gotten through to his most difficult subordinate.

<><><><><><><><><><><> 

Later that day, after Kuki had finally processed what had happened and that what had happened had been _real_ , he was in the garage with Shirazu detailing the horrific events of what had transpired in the early hours of the morning in the Hakone woods.

“Don’t ever do that again. This is my baby; you can’t be just taking it for a spin whenever you feel like it. Are you even licensed to drive bikes?”

Urie stared. What? Was Shirazu really this thick-headed?! After everything he’d just told him- hell, trusted him with, that was his response?! “After everything I just told you, you’re worried about your damn bike?!”

“Did you ever stop to think about it, Kuki?” Shirazu just used his first name. Why not? It said something in Shirazu’s eyes that Urie would actually share any of this. The old Urie wouldn’t have said a word. He had passed out, after all. The old Urie would have been too humiliated to even use the story to turn Shirazu against Sasaki.

“What?!” Nothing was going Urie’s way.

“Arima called and asked you to go and specified that you go alone. Even though Sasan had left the city, he never once called you again, though he knew that Sasan was way outside of reasonable distance, and you were, too, if you needed back up. Sasaki hadn’t turned around or called you out for following him, either. Don’t you get it?”

“Damn it!” Fuck! What was wrong with him? How fucking blind could he be that Shirazu could put it together but he couldn’t? Not possible.

“He knew the whole time. And likely, so did Arima. They set you up.”

“What? What the hell for?” There was no way.

“If it was Sasan . . . probably to teach you a lesson.” The response was thoughtful.

“Damn it! Damn it! I hate that bastard!”

Shirazu didn’t respond with fists this time. It wasn’t that he was getting used to hearing Urie disrespect Sasaki; it was that the same venom that was once in his voice when he did didn’t seem to be quite as strong anymore. Something was changing. On top of that, his training with Mutsuki was also helping him understand how to react to others and situations a bit more thoughtfully. “You don’t respond to affection very well, do you?”

“He made me look like a complete fool.” Urie felt defeated. Again. By Sasaki. Again.

“He didn’t just make you _look_ like one.” The boys looked up to see their youngest member standing in the doorway of the garage. Saiko pulled a lollipop from her mouth and grinned, “You’re losing your touch if you couldn’t even put that together, Urichi.” She laughed a little as his expression grew to become even angrier.

Shirazu noticed, “Saiko, let it go.”

“Did you put all of it together, Uriku?” Urie sneered in return. It was bad enough that he had to deal with her nicknames almost constantly since they had been training together, but now she had to rub this in. Why was he so bothered? Why was he so angry about all of this? Was it because of Sasaki?

“Maman didn’t just trick you for the fun of it. He scared the shit out of you so you wouldn’t do anything stupid like remove more barriers on your koukaku. Is power so important to you that you’d become a ghoul for it? Essentially, a cannibal?” She grinned, happy to translate Maman’s message clearly for the angsty brat. She admitted only to herself that it was fun to watch Urie squirm like that in frustration.

“I didn’t even think of that! Props, Saiko-chan!” Shirazu was clearly impressed.

“Thank you, Ginchi!” She did a quick mock curtsy for her well-spoken accomplishment.

“Wow, for someone who talks about how much they hate someone, it’s interesting that you’re trying so hard to be more like him.” Shirazu finally called out the elephant in the room.

“I- what-?!” Urie went in to punch Shirazu.

“Guys!” Everyone froze. Tooru was standing beside Saiko in the doorway.

Tooru spoke again at his normal octave, his prior volume reserved only for desperate situations like breaking up fights between team members, “Dinner is ready. Sasan made sukiyaki. . . .” his eyes found Kuki’s, “ . . . your favorite.”

Urie took a deep breath and left the garage without a word. The others exchanged knowing looks. Things were actually getting better, weren’t they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wahh! That was a lot longer than I thought it would be. I had to add that last part with all of the Quinx together.  
> I hope I did okay with Urie's characterization. I think he's really fascinating. I love all the Qs, really~ I feel like he would be the slowest to mature and most of that would happen without him being entirely aware of it.  
> Thank you all for your support! I had a chapter for Mutsuki, but now I want to wait for more of the manga to come out. I'll put up either Shirazu or Akira's next!


	8. Strength and Syringes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter take place about two weeks after chapter 7.

He could hear _it_. He just couldn’t figure out what _it_ was. _It_ was coming from Sasaki’s room. Shirazu tried to compare _it_ to other sounds. It was so quiet in Sasaki’s room right now, so, aside from Haise’s own heavy breathing, the flick of a finger and the drip of rain, the leak of a faucet into a coffee mug, the sound of water inside a balloon, the flick of a finger- the hospital, an IV drip- Sasaki was handling a syringe. _Syringes._ That’s what _it_ was. A syringe? Why?

Ginshi sucked in air suddenly. What was going on in there? His door was already open, so he walked out slowly so he could continue to listen to the subtle noises inside his superior’s room.

He passes Mutsuki’s room. He was out with Saiko. Saiko had said something about visiting Akiba to pick up something she’d ordered a while back, and, seemingly just looking for a reason to get out of the house, Mutsuki had decided to tag along. And Urie’s room. He was downstairs in the training room most likely. It was a Sunday, a day off for the Qs Squad, and everyone was off doing their usual but Sasaki. Sasan wasn’t in there merely reading books.

The Quinx arrived at his superior’s room and listened carefully. There weren’t any sounds, then the flick of a finger. Shirazu put his hand on the doorknob. A few minutes later. A hiss. He turned it suddenly and pushed forward, taken off guard by the fact that it was actually unlocked. He hadn’t expected that at all.

What he saw was even more surprising. He looked quickly around Sasaki’s bedroom only to find that all of the sun-blocking curtains were closed, so it was rather dark and it also attributed to the temperature being a little colder inside as well. He searched for the white-haired half-ghoul and finally found him under his own desk. His desk chair was pushed off to the side and there was ample room for him to sit there, knees bent slightly, left arm outstretched while his right hand carved deeply but lazily into skin.

“Sasan, what are you doing?” Shirazu stared in disbelief. When Kaneki said nothing, his eyes fell back to the other’s forearm and he watched as the wound closed slowly, as if magic were working tirelessly to make it appear as if the pain had never been inflicted in the first place. Shirazu also noticed how pale his skin was on his right arm versus his left. It was strange- almost as if they were two completely different skin tones. Shirazu hadn’t seen him wear shorts or t-shirts since he’d gotten back either. He didn’t understand.

Kaneki’s eyes widened. He hadn’t prepared for this being a possibility at any point. He had forgotten to lock the door of all things? Really? Fuck.

“I- . . .” he tried to think of an excuse. A reason. Anything that wasn’t the truth- the obvious truth, but he felt so dizzy from the RC suppressants in his bloodstream. He couldn’t think straight; he couldn’t think quickly enough to explain anything at all. Why hadn’t he locked the door?

Shirazu didn’t know what to say, either. Something like this . . . it was too heavy- too complicated. It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand where Kaneki may be coming from; Shirazu had been through a teenage angst phase at one point where such thoughts had crossed his mind briefly, but he never _did_ anything like this. And on top of that, it was one thing to understand a situation and a different thing altogether to know how to respond to it.

Their eyes met and neither said a word, both inwardly struggling with what words would be the _right_ ones.

“Shirazu-“

“Man, what are you doing?!” he snapped.

“It’s not what it looks like.”

“Good, because I wouldn’t know what to fucking do with _that_.” The Quinx had reverted to just saying what was on his mind. It wasn’t pretty, but it was honest.

“It’s not.” Haise said it a second time which only made it more suspicious. He popped a finger.

“Okay.” But Shirazu wanted the lie to be the truth, so he simply agreed. He shut and locked the door behind him. Urie or any of the others getting involved in this would just be needlessly messy.

“I’m testing the effects of the RC suppressants.” Kaneki had prepared this earlier. Whether it was true or not remained to be unseen. Since he had come back from Cochlea the second time since his memories had returned, he’d _tested_ the RC suppressants a few times. He had stolen them and been _testing_ them off and on throughout the week since he had returned. He wouldn’t admit aloud that it was _comfortable_. Not feeling or being able to think was actually quite comfortable. His last visit to Cochlea had taught him that.

“Well, _shit_ -“ Shirazu hadn’t even noticed those three empty syringes sitting on the floor beside his superior. He would have been better off just not getting into that at all. Why couldn’t he just live in ignorance; that honestly would have been better.

“Shirazu.” Kaneki wasn’t very good at forming complete sentences at the moment.

“Sasan, what is this?”

“I-I just-“

Unbelievable. Shirazu watched as Kaneki stuttered slightly over his words. “Look, I’m not going to say anything, but this- you can’t be doing this shit. I can hear you; you know that? I know this hasn’t been the first time. It’s messed up. You just-“ Since he’d returned from Cochlea this time, Shirazu had heard it three times. He only hoped now that no one else had.

“Shirazu.” Really, he wanted his subordinate to just calm down. He popped every finger on his left hand. His right was busy still holding the knife.

Yes, Sasaki had his attention. Despite the stupid shit Shirazu had caught Sasaki doing, he was still his superior.

“Shirazu, this is a simple misunderstanding. The whole purpose of this is- There is a purpose to this.” Shirazu felt disturbed. Did Sasaki even know what he was saying right now? He was barely coherent.

“Fine. That’s fine.”

“It’s really nothing to worry about.” Haise plastered on a smile that looked ready to crack at any second.

“ _Don’t say that_.”

Haise suddenly felt very ashamed and his lips fell into a line while his eyes narrowed. It was the same expression he used to hold on his face after he had escaped Aogiri. Ginshi was good with these things. Kaneki could remember the way the Quinx had reacted when he’d revealed how he’d become a ghoul. He remembered his actions that night at the auction house. He remembered why he’d named him as the squad leader after the Torso incident.

It was Kaneki’s turn to internally panic. Shirazu was perceptive to the needs of others, and there was nothing he’d be able to say to convince his subordinate that there was not a thing to worry about.

“Thank you, Shirazu, for your concern, but just leave it alone, okay?” That was pitiful. Sasaki didn’t look at him.

Shirazu gulped, raising his head a little before taking a breath and releasing it slowly. Things were different now, but he still felt connected to Sasaki. He still felt loyal to him, indebted to him somewhat. But, how could he admire someone who did this kind of shit? If this was how much he valued his life then what did that mean on the battlefield? Could he still trust him on a mission?

Kaneki searched for an excuse, any excuse, if not to tell Shirazu, at least something he could tell himself to escape the guilt.

_I’m doing this for them. Right. Of course. If I’m going to need to be strong enough to protect them from the entirety of the CCG, I can’t let myself be stopped by a few tranquilizers like a hunted animal. I have to build up an immunity and that’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I’m trying this, and the cutting- the cutting is just because I have to test how much the suppressants affect the rate at which I heal- just like at Cochlea- of course- like I said earlier-I-_

It wasn’t until Shirazu had dropped the quinque needles into the wastebasket that Haise was pulled from his thoughts. He stared as Shirazu walked back over to him, put his hand on his, and pulled the quinque metal knife away and set it on the desk above. Haise’s eyes grew wider when Shirazu sat next to him under the desk, uncomfortably close, so close that their shoulders touched. Shirazu wasn’t meeting his gaze. He looked straight ahead.

“I really . . . I really admire you, Sasan.”

Nope, Kaneki didn’t know what to do with this. Had he been more sober, a smile, a pun, playful teasing, or something along those lines would have sufficed, but he couldn’t manage it with the suppressant swimming though his veins at the moment.

Kaneki looked back at his hands. It was nice to have hands. But ugh- his fingernails were still black. Would they always be black now? How did that even happen? White hair- okay- that could be a stress-related response, but black fingernails?

“I’m . . .-shit” Shirazu hissed through sharp teeth, “All of us are really fucking worried about you.”

The blonde still wouldn’t look in Sasaki’s direction.

“Seriously, we, even fucking Urie, we’ve been swapping stories about shit you’ve been pulling lately. But nothing like this man-you-You’ve gotta stop thinking you’re in this alone. Especially in this past week since you came back from Cochlea again. Did something happen there?”

Wow. What? No, the Quinx didn’t need to know what happened.

Kaneki was shocked. What could he say to that? That’s not how things were supposed to go at all. He was supposed to be worrying about them. He was the one who needed to protect them. Why were they concerned about him? They were still kids. They needed to be concerned with themselves and their own problems and lives. Why would they-

“Sasan-hey-snap out of it-“ Sasaki blinked. He hadn’t even noticed that his kakugan was showing. Shirazu was staring straight back at him, his hands on his shoulders as if he had been shaking him.

What had happened?

“I get it, man. Don’t tell me what happened. That’s fine. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask for any of this. All of us understand that now. And though you did choose to stay here, we know that you didn’t have much of a choice anyway. I mean-shit- you’re wearing that anklet like a ball and chain. The CCG tracks your every move, and they could kill you at any second. You mouth off and they throw you in prison where gods know what happens. Damn right we’re worried about you. You think the past year we have spent together has meant so little?”

Kaneki stared and slowly shook his head. This was certainly a new side to Shirzau he was seeing right now. Sure, it was a side he figured he was capable of, but to see it developed to this extent- how?

Truth be told, Shirazu was surprising himself with his own words, but saying what was on his mind felt right, so he just kept going, “We know that we mean something to you, but you still hold us at arm’s length. You treat us like kids, Sasan, and while we’re your responsibility, and you’re a few years older, you’re missing the fact that we’re not that far off. Sometimes, you need to depend on us, too, you know. We’re a team, right?”

Kaneki stared as Shirazu ducked his head and messed up his own hair partly in embarrassment and partly in frustration.

“ . . . You’re right.” The kakugan receded, and Sasaki seemed to relax again.

Ginshi looked up suddenly, eyes wide, “Huh?”

“You’re right,” Sasaki said again, not quite understanding that Shirazu was looking for an explanation and not merely repetition.

The Quinx blinked. What, it was that easy?

“So, you’ll be a little more honest with us?” He couldn't look Sasaki in the eyes for more than a few seconds. He was looking at other things, too, things that seemed off or different from before. 

“ _Oh._ ” Haise cracked three fingers on his right hand and scratched his left wrist.

Kaneki tried to consider moments where he had been dishonest. Shirazu watched the memories play across his superior’s face. He’d seen people fucked up before, but it was different seeing someone you looked up to like this. Haise was considering what those memories had gone like if he had been completely honest of his feelings or thoughts in those moments. Or if he had been completely honest about what had happened and why . . .

Turns out, things would have gone pretty bad.

He needed to respond for Shirazu’s sake, “I can try.”

Good. Shirazu felt like he was getting somewhere, but then there was this little problem- the one they were currently in.

“Let’s start with the RC suppressants.”

“ _No._ ” Kaneki liked them. He needed them.

“Sasan, you do shit like this, and it makes me lose my trust in you.”

Oh. _Oh._ Well . . .

“I need to become stronger.” They’d fed him what he wanted, but it was too much.

“And _how_ is this helping?”

“ . . . It helps me clear my thoughts.” The thoughts had been worse, too, since Cochlea.

“You should go to a psychiatrist or something.” 

“No.” The only thing he could do was learn how to handle it himself.

“Well, hell, it’s worth a try. It’s better than this.”

“Hi. My name is Haise. I’m a half-ghoul, which means I’m also a cannibal. I’ve lived my life as three different people. I have no family. I had a best friend, once, but I ate him. Nice to meet you. Please treat me well.”

Fuck. What in the bloody fuck was that? Shirazu nearly hit is head on the desk above him.

“You have a family, Sasan.” Shirazu bit his lip. Surely Tooru would have been way fucking better at this.

Haise immediately felt guilty over his words and behavior, “I’m sorry.”

“And is that really true-about-“ No, Shirazu bit his lip again as his eyes traced the skin of Kaneki's arms, noticing how the difference in color hadn't been his imagination at all. No, it was better not to ask anything Sasaki didn't offer to discuss himself.

Kaneki was silent, thoughts swimming in his mind despite the suppressants. These were the thoughts he’d been trying to avoid. Could he not avoid them even with 40 milliliters of RC suppressants swimming through his body?

He’d killed Hide. If he killed Hide when he was using his kakuja, what would stop him from killing Shirazu, or Saiko, or any of the Qs? Nothing. Nothing was stopping him. Shirazu was right. Shirazu was right to not trust him. He shouldn’t trust him. No one should. In fact, what could he really do for them anyway- for any of them? He was barely useful as a mentor and when it came to fighting to protect the ones he loved he-

“Sasan?”

“It’s right . . . that you don’t trust me.”

The Quinx regretted his previous words even if they had been honest.

Ginshi watched the movement of Sasaki’s eyes. Mutsuki had told him to try that. He didn’t really think it made a difference at the time, but he could see it did now. There were so many thoughts behind those eyes. They were moving rapidly, as if reading off a silent script for Sasaki’s ears alone. Shirazu chose his words carefully, “You’d die for us.”

“I’d kill you, too.” It was an automatic response, and Sasaki looked straight at his charge.

“You wouldn’t,” but Shirazu didn’t sound completely sure this time.

It was only true that he wouldn’t want to. “. . . I could.” Sasaki looked away. His fingernails. Were they always going to be black now? He cracked three of his fingers and scratched a little at his wrist.

“Sasan . . . “ he didn’t know what to say. If he was going to be the Squad Leader, he needed to be strong enough to support everyone, even his superior.

“I have to get stronger.”

“It’s not always physical strength that makes someone strong.” Shirazu said in an uncharacteristically soft tone of voice.

Sasaki stared. Shirazu was using his own words against him. Those were the same words he had told Mutsuki the day after he’d gotten back from Cochlea the first time and he’d trained one-on-one with each member of the Quinx squad. After that day, Sasaki had assigned Shirazu and Tooru to train together and Saiko and Urie to train together. He wanted them doing nearly everything together every day save for days off. Apparently it had been the right call. They were confiding in one another and benefitting from the other’s strengths. Tooru must have told Shirazu what Sasaki had said to him, and those words must have been memorable enough to strike a chord. They must have been memorable enough for Shirazu to remember them now and repeat them back to their original owner.

Sasaki said nothing.

The Quinx didn’t know what to say after that. The silence was uncomfortable if only because he knew he wouldn’t understand his mentor’s thoughts even if he was hearing them now. Shirazu stood to leave. Yeah, maybe he could be a leader. He just needed to pay closer attention. He suddenly very much wanted to start training with Tooru again. Shirazu looked down at Sasaki who was now staring straight ahead, his vision likely falling on Shirazu’s endlessly long legs.

“Where’s your banana poster?”

It was quiet for a while, and Shirazu was about to ask the question again and this time crouch down to be within Sasaki’s line of vision, but his mentor looked up. Finally, Sasaki smiled genuinely, “I got rid of it. I honestly don’t know why I even had it. Let’s just say I was still trying to figure things out back then.”

“We can pretend it never happened.”

“That sounds good.”

“Now your walls are pretty bare, though.”

“I’m used to that.” He really was.

“You really should put something up though. Maybe you could commission something from Kuki.”

Sasaki laughed softly at that, “Really? I think he only paints for himself. Besides, he’s still pretty angry with me.” It had already been two and a half weeks though. Sasaki didn’t mention what specifically, but he had put together that if the Q’s were talking, Shirazu likely knew what he was talking about.

“That’s true.” Shirazu wasn’t denying that. It made every meeting they’d had since that trip to the woods uncomfortable. He was sure that Sasaki was blaming himself for this, but really, it had to be Urie’s immaturity.

“Too bad. Jealousy makes him kooky.”

Shirazu deadpanned, “I’m curious, Sasan. Did you actually use puns before, like, before you lost your memories?”

“What do you think?” He was curious and looked up at him lazily. He wouldn’t come out of this stupor for a while, but that’s what he enjoyed about the RC Suppressants, right? Not that he’d admit to that . . .

“I honestly don’t think you did.”

“Well, then you’d be correct.”

“You enjoy them?”

“There is no pleasure without puns.”

“That wasn’t a pun.

“ . . . You’re right.” Sasaki leaned his head against the leg of the desk.

Shirazu had stood up to leave, but he no longer thought it was the best move. Shirazu knew that the effects of the suppressants would wear off eventually, but he felt like Sasaki needed someone beside him right now. Somehow, he didn’t feel like he needed to escape the situation any longer. He sat on the edge of his superior’s bed.

He looked down at his superior who was still sitting underneath his desk, “We know you’re always watching us.”

Sasaki stared straight ahead again, processing the words and his response slowly, “You’ve grown, Shirazu.”

“Well, I have to if I’m going to keep my position as Squad Leader.” He gave a thin grin just short of toothy.

“All of you have.”

“Thanks to you.”

“It wasn’t all my doing.”

“But it never would have happened without you.” When Haise said nothing, Shirazu went on, “You made us stronger.”

When Sasaki didn’t meet his eyes, Shirazu was sure he’d struck something somewhere- maybe a nerve or maybe a memory.

“-But not strong enough.” Haise concluded.

It was bitter, and right away, the Quinx squad leader was sure that there was a hell of a lot of shit going on behind the scenes of the CCG he had no clue about- or maybe just shit going on with Sasaki. He couldn’t tell. He didn’t understand.

The Quinx thought he had understood what Sasaki wanted for all of them. The truth, however, was that he had no idea exactly what Sasaki had planned . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 9 and 10 will detail what happened to Kaneki in Cochlea and why he was sent there. Kaneki's disturbing behavior might make more sense once those chapters are up.  
> I put clues in this chapter. Any guesses? :D  
> Thanks again for your patience and praise. T-T  
> I hope I did okay with Shirazu. I might like him the most out of the Q's.


	9. One Too Many Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place roughly two weeks before Chapter 8 and during the same week as Chapter 7.

It had been three weeks since the first meeting concerning Samurai, and this would be the last one before the operations meeting in two weeks. Each investigator from the last meeting had been gathering data and working through strategies to put together Marude’s plan. All of the original members from the first meeting were there including three others: Akira Mado, Ruizawa, and Murata.

It had been nine weeks since Haise had seen Akira Mado. She had been moved off of the Quinx squad to work in another Ward- the 20th. Whether it was by her personal request or not was unknown, but Sasaki believed it was. He couldn’t blame her concerning his feelings towards himself, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t upset that she had dropped the Quinx so easily, either. He hadn’t explained to his squad why she felt negatively towards him; he had only claimed it was his fault. None of them had seemed particularly pleased with the development, however. Urie showed nothing either way, but the other three had been disappointed. Shirazu, especially, had questioned what had happened and why when she had stopped replying to his e-mails. Of course, all of his e-mails pertained to training and advice and seeking to better his skills, but his small crush on her hadn’t been a secret. Since she had left for the 20th Ward, however, she hadn’t responded to a single one of them.

Sasaki just hoped she didn’t hate the Qs merely by extension of her hatred towards himself. That didn’t make any sense. She didn’t even know them back then, and neither did he. The only reason he could fathom was that they were technically a part of an experiment that brought them closer to being ghouls, but even that didn’t make complete sense.

Akira had been the last to arrive for the meeting, and while Kaneki tried to desperately make eye contact with her, she was either not hearing his telepathy or she was choosing to ignore it. He wanted to give her even just a smile to see her response, but she wasn’t even giving him recognition of his existence.

Things were really that bad between them now? No, things had always been this bad between them?

Marude began, “The agenda today is as follows: divide strategies among particular teams for the luring of samurai, surrounding and capturing samurai, and finally transporting samurai to Cochlea.

The operation is a little different than most, because we’ll be using one member from each team to act as the bait, so trust and teamwork are imperative within each unit. Of course, once Samurai is identified, all teams will then relocate to surround and capture samurai. Samurai would be best captured alive, especially if the theories surrounding the ghoul are true. Once Samurai is captured, we’ll need two teams, in addition to the standard transporting team, to transport the ghoul to the Ghoul Detention Center.

Any questions regarding today’s agenda?”

Akira spoke up then, “Yes, I’ve yet to hear anything concerning Samurai aside from the ghoul’s skewed sense of justice- the premise of which this operation is built, correct?”

“Yes, that is correct. There are other theories going around concerning the identity of the ghoul.”

“And . . . ?” She felt the need to know. Why was it that she seemed to be the only person in the room that was out of the loop?

Marude shifted uncomfortably, “And some believe he may be the missing in action First Class Investigator, Amon Koutarou.”

“And what reason do we have to believe this?” Akira didn’t blink.

Sasaki spoke up then, feeling it was only his responsibility to do so, since he was the one who had initially shared the theory, “His description and his motives.”

“You came up with this theory, First Class Sasaki?” Finally, he had eye-contact with her, but damn this was the worst possible time to smile.

Kaneki kept a serious face, “I did.”

“And that’s all you have to go by?” She raised an eyebrow. The others in the room watched nervously, but Kaneki felt in no way that she was questioning him. Akira understood professionalism better than most- certainly better than himself.

“ . . . And maybe intuition. Your late father was fond of that, wasn’t he?” Maybe she would understand?

Likewise, Akira felt no hint of aggression from his words despite how easily they could be skewed to seem so, “And so he was.” She left it at that, her eyes pulling away from the half-ghoul to look back at Marude as if to encourage him to go on.

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Tensions were high, and if they were going to make it through this meeting, they couldn’t be thrown off track by the currently silent feud between Mado and Sasaki- however tactful the two of them were being currently.

“First of all, the teams. We have yet to decide the scale of this operation. We’re focusing on the one Ward- the 20th Ward, but how many teams should be covering that area? Because this is a stealth operation, there will be no evacuation of citizens. We’re taking a lot of risks here.”

“We can divide the 20th ward into 5 distinct areas. Samurai has been spotted in four of these five areas. I drew up a map. Here, let me upload it.” Ruizawa clicked a few buttons on her laptop, and a screen lit up at the front of the room behind Marude. The map was a clear layout of the areas that fit together like a star. There was a sixth area in the center.

“Okay, so we’re looking at five teams with one central team for back-up?” Marude concluded.

“It would be safe to say that since Samurai is an SS ranked ghoul currently, each squad should involve someone of First Class ranking or higher.” Ui added to the conversation. Safety precautions were best when dealing with such a highly ranked ghoul. He had only barely made it out of the fight he’d had previously with this particular ghoul.

“We’ll be going, of course~!” Suzuya was still working within the 20th ward, so it was only natural.

“Thank you, Suzuya. You’re most familiar with the area, are you not?” Marude nodded to Ruizawa and she marked one point on the star as Suzuya’s.

“Of course. Of course.” He nodded, a grin rising to his face.

“I worked in the 20th Ward previously. I’ll volunteer with the new S3 unit.” Akira was the next to speak up.

 _So that’s what she was doing now?_ Haise didn’t know much about them. Maybe he’d look into it.

“I’d like to volunteer the Quinx Squad as one team.” Haise spoke evenly with confidence. He needed to show the others that he was trustworthy and fully devoted to eliminating problematic ghouls. Also, he needed to show the full potential of his team. They had grown a lot in the past two months.

“You’re also familiar with the 20th Ward, aren’t you, Sasaki?” It was Akira, and this time, her words were venom.

He didn’t know how to respond other than to take the bait, “Yes . . . Yes, I am.”

“You were most active here as Eyepatch, correct?” Her voice wasn’t accusatory, but that venom was working its way through Sasaki’s veins.

“I grew up here. It’s my home.” Somehow, marking it up on a personal level was the antidote to the venom. That’s right, he’d lived there as a human as well.

“Right, of course.” Akira didn’t say another word on the matter.

Houji spoke up, “I’ll be joining as well.”

“And of course, my squad will be the 5th then.” Washuu finally spoke up. He was originally assigned to the case, after-all.

“I’d like my squad to be involved as back-up should anything go awry. We can wait in a central location, here.” Arima pointed to the center of the star on the map, “that way we can respond immediately should need arise. As said before, we’re taking a huge risk in not evacuating citizens.”

It wasn’t like Arima to budge when he was not needed, but no one questioned him. Most of them put together that it was the first big operation since the Auction Raid and he felt his presence was necessary. Ruizawa marked all of the locations with the different squads.

“Next is the issue of surrounding and capturing Samurai. We will need a sniper on each team. I know all of your teams have a well-trained sniper . . . save for, Sasaki’s?

“I do have a candidate for the sniper position as well. Rank 1 Yonebashi Saiko will be available for this mission as a sniper.”

“I protest. She can hardly spot the hands of a clock; you think she can shoot a ghoul from two-hundred meters?” Akira was clearly aiming her attacks now and was making fun of Saiko’s previous reputation of always being late. It was one thing to attempt insulting Kaneki, but another for her to insult his squad. Saiko wasn’t the same little girl anymore. Aside from that, Akira had also been in charge of the Quinx only two months ago. She was just embarrassing herself now.

“As I said, she will be ready, sir.” Kaneki held back his anger but he was gritting his teeth. There were no secrets at this meeting whatsoever.

“I see . . . Well, then, we will decide the two teams for transport the night of. The teams with the most able-bodied investigators available for duty will join the transport crew in escorting the ghoul to Cochlea. Any questions?”

No one had anything else to add.

But Akira spoke up, “I do have a question regarding Sasaki Haise. What preventative measure are we taking should he lose control as he did during the last mission he was involved in?”

“I can-“ Haise was immediately on the defensive, but his words were cut short.

Arima spoke in his steed, “I’ll take care of it should the need arise.”

Marude, just wanting all of this drama to be over with, left it at that. “We will reconvene in sixteen days. If your squad is not assigned to the mission, you need not be present for the operation. That is all.”

Everyone filed out.

Kaneki made his way around the table to Akira as she gathered her things. “Akira, how have you been? The Q’s really miss you, you know?” He was attempting to be friendly, and even offered a smile. It wasn’t the most genuine, but it was a start.

The blonde said nothing, simply walking on out of the meeting room and into the hallway that lead to the room full of cubicles where investigators were busy at work to avoid any other discussion with the half-ghoul.

Kaneki followed after, hot on her trail, “did you hear me, Akira? The Q’s miss you.”

She never looked back.

He ran up ahead of her and stood suddenly in her way, “Why don’t you respond to their e-mails anymore? Especially Shirazu, he really looks up to you.”

The blonde glared and walked around him.

Having a good amount of experience with Akira Mado, Ruizawa stepped next to the half-ghoul, “Haise, let it go,” and she smiled encouragingly.

“I’m only being open for discussion, which is more than I can say for _Mado_. She’s clearly _blinded_.” Haise used Mado’s name to make a homophonic pun. Mado’s name had the same pronunciation as ‘window’. Two puns in one hit.

He saw the slap coming, but he let it hit. It burned, but he ignored the pain easily. He knew his cheek was red at that moment however. Maybe that would satisfy her. He at least had her attention now.

She didn’t look happy at all, however. Ibn fact, she looked like she was on the verge of tears. How long had she been holding these emotions back? How long had she longed to look at him with such contempt? “You weren’t just responsible for Koutaro, but my father, too! Don’t you get it?! I’ll hate you; I’ll always hate you. You killed everything that was precious to me. You destroyed everything that I had left. You’re no better than the One-Eyed Owl, and nothing would make me happier than to see you _dead_!”

Yes, everyone had heard that. Nearly every investigator in the 20th  Ward had heard Akira’s words, and those that had been present in the meeting had now turned around from their trip towards the elevator to watch. Everyone was now watching closely, carefully, interested, but by no means willing to be involved. Ruizawa stepped away; she was by no means capable of breaking up a fight between two First Class Investigators.

“I’ve done a lot of things, but I’m not responsible for either of their deaths! Quit looking for someone to aim your hatred at to avoid aiming it at yourself.” He wasn’t. He wasn’t. Amon was alive. He had to be.

She tried to hit him again, this time a punch, but he dodged easily.

His anger at her for the way she was treating the Q’s was bubbling up. He didn’t mean for it to be personal, but the way she had treated him, too, during the time he had amnesia, was also getting to him, “You spout this bullshit to your subordinates about being strong or weak. You’re just angry at yourself for your own shortcomings. You think that by simply being strong and living with your black and white logic, you’ll be able to protect everyone? You’ll be forgiven for the dead?” His voice was cold and even, but there was a greater tension rising between them with every word.

“You’re a monster!” She screamed back at him.

“I’m a monster? Me? It was _your father_ who went after a _thirteen-year-old girl_ and attempted to murder her using her mother’s and father’s limbs! Do you realize how twisted that is?! That’s like the One-Eyed-Owl _ripping off_ your mother’s arm and your father’s arm and then _trying to beat you to death with them! When you’re thirteen!_ And the whole world thinks it’s _perfectly fucking fine_ , because you were born a little different than 80% of the world’s population. In fact, they would applaud such barbarity, because _your death would just mean another point in humanity’s favor!”_

Aside from the sounds of Akira’s tears, one could hear a pin drop. She was crying as she grinded her teeth firmly, her eyes blazing in hatred and her body shaking with fury as she glared at the half-ghoul she once thought of fondly. He really was different from Haise, wasn’t he? He was completely different. Haise never would have said these things to her.

It needed to be said, but not now- not like this. Haise had gone about this so wrong, and he immediately felt guilty for it. His face fell, eyes softening completely as he reached out to her, “Akira-san-I-”

Pain. In that moment, someone backhanded Kaneki across the face, something he hadn’t seen coming in the slightest and had therefore not prepared for. It unsteadied him, but didn’t send him falling. Had his jaw been dislocated? Before he could process and identify the pain completely, there was a swift kick to his stomach that sent him flying backwards, hitting the pillar a meter behind him. He looked up.

 _Damn it. You didn’t even give me a chance to apologize!_ Haise’s expression held the one emotion that would get him sent straight to Cochlea- _contempt_.

The rest of the staff watched in horror as Arima walked over to the half-ghoul, grabbed him by his hair and proceeded to bash his head into the stone pillar until Kaneki’s face was bleeding and bloody and the point of impact, his left temple, was nothing but a bloody mass missing hair and skin completely. They watched as Haise made no movement to stop him or defend himself. It horrified the CCG staff even more.

One

_Mrs. Fueguchi. I couldn’t save you. All I could do was cover her eyes. I was so weak. I’m so sorry._

Two.

_Hinami. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect your mother. I couldn’t give you a better life. You’re with Aogiri now, and I don’t even understand why. I haven’t even tried to understand-_

Three.

_With Ayato. You’re with him now. Working together? Is he okay? He was okay after the first time, so he should be okay this time-_

Four.

_Touka. I hurt your brother again. Will you forgive me? I want to see you. You’re so close, but if I visit you now, will they know? Would I only be putting you in danger?_

Five.

_Tsukiyama. I hurt you, too. Are you okay? You’re okay now, right? I’m sorry._

Six.

_Manager. Where are you now? I never understood everything. Were you the reason I’m like this now? According to the reports, Aogiri’s One-Eyed Owl, your child-_

Seven.

_Kanou. You created this life I lead now, but why is all the hatred I had for you before gone? Was Takizawa your work, too? Stop. Stop. Stop. St-_

Eight.

_Amon Koutaro. I didn’t kill you. I didn’t. I didn’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

Nine.

_Hide. . . . ._

Ten.

_Hide . . . . . I’m so sorry. I-_

Eleven.

_Hide, I’m sorry. I want to die._

Twelve.

_You gave your life so I could live mine but I want to-_

Thirteen.

_I want to die. I want to die. I want to die._

Fourteen.

_It hurts. It hurts. I want to die._

Fifteen.

_It hurts and I want to die._

Sixteen.

_Please kill me. Please-_

Seventeen.

Knowing how powerful the Shinigami was planted a seed of fear within those who hadn’t seen the half-ghoul’s regenerative abilities at work before, because it took a full minute of a combined seventeen hits into the stone pillar before Haise finally passed out. Any normal human would have taken one or two. Arima had made his point painfully clear.

Many of the investigators understood it to be a display, but accepted it anyway, because something else had been planted within them after Haise’s outburst-

_Doubt._

Akira didn’t look back. She didn’t falter.

Arima picked up the half-ghoul and slung him over his right shoulder so the weight would be on his back. He began to walk him out of the office, Haise’s head bobbing and arms dangling behind the Shinigami as if he were carrying a corpse. Haise had known that this sort of behavior meant he’d be sent back to Cochlea, but he had let his emotions get the best of him anyway. Arima held no sympathy for him.

Kaneki came to, opening eyes and doing everything in his power not to cough when they reached the elevator. There were tears running down his face, and the salt in his scars burned with pain as bloody saltwater tears fell from his face to the floor effectively staining the carpet below. He was silent, hoping the Shinigami wouldn’t notice.

_I’m going to Cochlea. Shit. Then I might as well . . . Right, Hinami?_

He spoke, and because no one was daring to say a word until the Shinigami left, he was sure Akira was hearing him, “Her father was a doctor and her mother even refused to kill humans. They didn’t deserve to die. _No one chooses to be human or ghoul_ \- yet, your father-”

The Shinigami silenced him once more with one quick movement. In two seconds, Arima had thrown the half-ghoul against the closed elevator doors and stabbed a quinque knife in Kaneki’s trachea above the vocal folds. The bell for the elevator went off, and the doors slid open, causing the half-ghoul’s limp body to fall inside.

Akira had turned back to see the whole thing. Everyone had seen it. There was a trail of blood from the pillar to the elevator as evidence of all that had transpired.

Barbarity?

Arima carelessly nudged Kaenki’s legs and feet inside the elevator like he was moving trash out of the way of a vacuum. He stepped inside, hit the button for the first floor, and adjusted his glasses.

Kaneki lay in a heap on the elevator floor, blood bubbling around the knife still lodged in the wound in his neck. He struggled to breathe, but he knew better than to move.

There was a bell to signal that the doors were closing, and as they did, Arima spoke evenly, “Sorry for the mess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm not butchering Akira. I see her as more sensitive than she lets on. She's conflicted, but she's also weighed down by the past. Maybe that's why she recognizes that in Naki. T-T  
> Thank you all so much for the support~! Next chapter is Cochlea~!


	10. What Happens in Cochlea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place immediately after Chapter 9.  
> I'm of the faith that Arima can be a nice guy, but he can also be a sadist. :> Please bear with me.  
> These next two chapters contain torture and body mutilation.

_Air. Air. Air._ As long as the knife was there, Haise couldn’t breathe. He reached for it with his right hand, and immediately there was another knife pinning his right hand into the floor of the elevator.

“Haise, you breathe only because I allow you to.” Arima’s tone was firm, but Haise had spent enough time with him to understand that he was angry.

 _‘Both Sasaki Haise and Centipede belong to me.’_ The half-ghoul remembered those words the night at the auction house. Arima had said them, and no one had questioned him.

That was the arrangement, wasn’t it?

“Show me you understand.”

_I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I need air. I need-_

What did Arima want from him? Oh. Kaneki did everything he could to relax his body completely. Even though his lungs were desperately crying for air, he closed his lips and released all of his muscles to go limp and sink into the floor below.

Their eyes met, and Kaneki could swear Arima looked pleased for a moment, but when he blinked, his eyes met the same listless stare Arima usually wore.

Arima knelt down beside him and pulled the knife from the half-ghoul’s throat but Kaneki held his breath.

“Breathe.”

Kaneki coughed and gasped and ignored the burn of salt water in his scars _. I’m still crying?_

He felt large and familiar hands on the sides of his face cupping his cheeks and wiping away at the tears with strong thumbs. Haise desperately wanted to accept this action as a gesture of kindness, but he felt nothing behind it at all. “You’ve forgotten your place, Haise.” Arima’s tone held a threat, and it was frightening. Arima hadn’t used this tone with him in years.

“I-I haven’t,” Kaneki stammered, fear finally taking hold of him, because he was realizing now that it was all true. He had no freedom. He had no rights. He only lived because Arima allowed him to do so.

“You want to be strong and protect others, but there are others constantly protecting you.”

Guilt was by no means unfamiliar to Haise. He felt the knife in his hand slide out, but he didn’t dare move even his fingers. Arima hadn’t given him permission. He felt so small in that elevator; it reminded him of when he was training with Arima and becoming reacquainted with the world again years ago when he had first gotten amnesia. So small. He was so small.

“When these elevator doors open, you are going to stop crying, you’re going to stand up, and you’re going to match my pace as we walk through the building to the car. You will keep your head lowered and you will make no eye contact with anyone.” Arima was firm, and when the bell rang to signal that the doors were opening, Sasaki stood automatically as though his body were on auto-pilot.

The Shinigami didn’t need to outline what the consequences would be if Sasaki disobeyed. They were headed for Cochlea, after all.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><> 

In the car, Arima found his RC suppressant handcuffs and put them on Sasaki’s wrists, making no apology for the precaution. “Haise, as I’m sure you’re well aware, we’re going to Cochlea. I want you and your squad involved in the upcoming operation. However, your training will be different from theirs. I want you to _remember your position_ with the CCG and your position as a Ghoul Investigator. _You’ve been forgetting yourself_.”

Kaneki knew better than to respond, but he did feel a bit of a smirk rise to his lips at the irony of the comment; no, he hadn’t been forgetting himself; he’d been _remembering_ himself.

“Tell me, Haise, do you know those that have been protecting you all this time? Myself. Mado. Suzuya. Nagachika. Amon. The ghoul you worked for at the coffee shop.”

Kaneki didn’t respond. He had heard that correctly. Yes, he had. He really had. _Nagachika. Hide Nagachika. Protecting me? How? All this time? All this time? What does that mean? Why does Arima know Hide? Nagachika isn’t a very common name. It can’t be anyone else. How was Hide protecting him? All this time? Did that mean he was alive? Alive? Really?_

His thoughts moved so quickly that he didn’t manage to process the expression he was making, but when he looked to Arima, who somehow had a steady eye on him and yet was still driving, he knew it had been the wrong one.

“Haise. You’ll be known as Centipede within Cochlea this time, and you will experience what it’s like to have _no one’s_ protection.”

<><><><><><><><><><><> 

“Sasaki is joining us again?” It was the prison director, Shinme Haisaki.

“No, this is not the CCG Investigator First Class, Sasaki Haise. This is the SS-Rated ghoul, Centipede. I’m leaving him with you to do as you wish for the next week. There is a mission in 16 days I want him to be in good health for, but by all means, do as you please until then.”

Haise remembered. _“ . . . protecting you all this time.”_

“A-Arima-san?” Fear was evident in Kaneki’s voice. It meant they could do anything. _Anything._ Anything at all.

Yamori. Naki. Shachi. Yamori. Jason. Jason. Jason.

“Be good, Haise.” The Shinigami turned to leave and he never looked back. He was convinced this was the lesson Haise needed.

_He’s mocking me. He must be. Why is he leaving me here like this? Fine. No one is protecting me. Fine. I can do this. I'll be fine._

“Centipede. The doctor will be pleased. He’s had an idea of what to do with you for years, but the opportunity never presented itself. Our top interrogator and the good doctor have something special in mind for you.”

Shinme stood in front of him with a clipboard and a smile, “So, we had two courses of experiments we wanted to try with you, Centipede, but unfortunately, we only have one week. That just means we’ll have to do both at once.”

First of all, we want to test your regenerative abilities. We’ll start small,” the ex-interrogator bent his index finger to demonstrate a missing digit, and then we’ll just work our way up.” He made his left hand into a blade and demonstrated the areas where Kaneki would be ‘chopped’, “Here.” His hand. “Here,” his elbow, “and here.” His shoulder.

“Of course, we’ll be doing the same with your legs. I’m sure you can use your imagination.”

Kaneki kept his expression void of emotion. He was only going to make it out of this alive if he remained focused on being strong- being strong so he could protect the Quinx. And report these people for breaking the Ghoul Countermeasures Law.

“Anyway, since we only have a week and we’re not sure how long it will take you to regenerate, we will need to get started right away. We want you at your top physical condition, so as soon as we have you in the testing room, we’ll be feeding you. Well, that about wraps it up. See you then, Centi- Oh! And don’t make us force feed you, again. Since your memories are back now, I’m sure you can remember what a mess that was three years ago, right?”

Kaneki remembered.

The director left and the guards pulled him up to lead him to the research cell.

The director had never mentioned what the second experiment was.

<><><><><><><><><><> 

Anyone who says that you become numb to pain after feeling it a certain number of times is a fucking liar. That couldn’t be any less of the truth. The truth is that you know what is coming and so you’re twice as scared- especially when nothing can be done to prevent it or make it stop. The only thing you get better at is distracting yourself with thoughts of other things. You can train your brain to focus on other things, but that in no way means that you aren’t still feeling pain- feeling every bit of the pain.

So, when the doctor cut both of his hands off of his arms using a surgical saw- first the right and then the left, Kaneki was feeling all of it, and he was staring, kakugan exposed, at the places where his hands used to be as the doctor worked to dress the wounds to keep the blood loss at a minimum.

“Well, aren’t you going to scream?” His eyes were moving constantly from Kaneki’s expression to his work at hand as if witnessing the pain in his patient was as equally important as dressing the wounds.

And so Kaneki did, a screech rising from his mouth as he threw his head back in agony, tears suddenly falling just as freely from his eyes as the blood that was gushing from the gaping wounds at the ends of his arms.

“Much better,” the doctor remarked with a pleased little grin.

His name was Yuuki Doumeki. He was tall and thin with lanky limbs and digits that seemed able to grab at you from any angle. He had long black hair tied in a thin tail and round glasses that fell just above his constant grin. Doumeki was newly assigned to the prison as the specialist in the health of ghouls. That’s right; it was his job to keep the ghouls of Cochlea healthy should they be needed for interrogations or the like.

He was good at his job when he wanted to be. Now was not one of those times.

“So, we’ve already seen how quickly you regenerate fingers. A record half hour. I’m impressed. It’s almost as though you have experience in regenerating fingers. Tell me, Centipede, will you beat our in house record for regenerating hands, as well?” Granted, in this instance, Doumeki was exaggerating. No one, at least to his knowledge, had actually cut off a ghoul’s hand here just to time the regeneration period. Contrary to popular belief, there were laws in place to keep things like that from happening. All of Cochlea was not corrupt, but it only took one person to give it the reputation as such. Doumeki was putting his career on the line, but, should his experiments produce the results he was looking for, this would be exciting ground-breaking work for the science of _dealing with_ ghouls.

No one ever got a promotion being safe, and the good doctor knew that. He had never wanted to be assigned to this hell hole, so he’d stop at nothing to find a way out. This research could get him there.

Kaneki shut his eyes tight, overwhelmed by his current reality, thoughts of Jason’s torture swimming around in his mind. But Jason had never cut off his hands. His whole hands. His hands were _gone_.

“We’ll leave you here for a few minutes and see what transpires in that time. If you need a boost, we’ll be bringing you food! How courteous of us! You want your hands back, don’t you?”

The tears continued to fall, and Kaneki released control of his neck and as it relaxed, his head swung forward so that his chin hit his chest.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. See you soon, Centipede.” The doctor continued to mumble orders to the interrogator that was assisting him- something about cleaning the surgical saw and bringing tape and a balloon for gas.

Kaneki was strapped to an iron chair. It was much bigger than the wooden one from years ago. It was also much sturdier- fool-proof- screwed into the floor itself even. There were three sets of shackles each for his arms and legs, and there was a needle in his back where RC suppressant was fed into his rinkaku organ to keep him from lashing out unexpectedly.

Kaneki had visited hell before, and he never thought he’d go back. He was so so wrong. He was used to being wrong. He was wrong about Rize. He was wrong about the manager. He was wrong about eating ghouls. He was wrong about-

Hide. Was he wrong about Hide? Was Hide really alive? Had he not eaten him after all? Was he okay? Why had Arima mentioned his name? Why did he know him? Why was-

**_You really think that he’s alive- your most important person?_ **

Rize. In the theater of his mind, he saw her smiling viciously, excited, her nude body tense on all fours as if she were ready to pounce.

He knew it wasn’t real. She wasn’t like that anymore. Still, it was better to talk to her and avoid the pain than it was to focus on the pain alone.

_Why would Arima mention him if he wasn’t alive? He said ‘all this time’._

**_He also mentioned Yoshimura. And Yoshimura isn’t doing anything for you now, right?_ **

_But-but- how did he know Hide’s name anyway? Maybe Hide did something in the past? Maybe-_

**_But then that wouldn’t change the fact that he’s dead and you ate him- you ate him all up because you were so hungry. You get so hungry, don’t you Kaneki-kun? It’s okay. So do I. -and to eat is to live, so there is no sin in that._ **

_Shut up._

**_Do you remember his taste?_ **

_Shut up._

**_Do you? Delicious. So good. Sweet. Like his sick little smile permeated through his blood into his taste- so sweet._ **

_Shut up! Shut up!_

**_Was his taste the same as cake? You’ve tasted cake. Do you remember, Kaneki-kun?_ **

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_

He could only hear her laughter then. It was her’s no- Doumeki’s.

“This is terrible! Your hands haven’t grown back at all! Terrible! Terrible, yes? Here, you must need to eat, then. Let’s speed the process along, shall we?”

How much time had passed? Kaneki realized he was still crying. The pain was still there. His hands were still missing. When would they come back? Yes, he wanted to _speed the process along_. He wanted his hands back- he did. _He needed them back_. They would come back, _right_? Tsukiyama’s arm had come back, so surely his hands would. _He needed his hands_.

He watched as the interrogator wrapped some sort of tape around his left wrist to tie a balloon to the stump. No, a balloon didn’t belong there- a hand did! That’s where his left hand went- not a balloon!

Kaneki didn’t speak; he only cried. Words didn’t matter in this situation.

“So, I’ve been working on this RC Suppressant gas. It was discarded in the past, because it held certain poisons that were problematic for humans as well. However, I completely disagreed with tossing it completely. I mean, imagine the possibilities if it could be perfected? If we could target only the RC cells, why, chemical warfare! It could mean the end of ghouls for all time.” He grinned as the balloon taped to Kaneki’s left arm was filled with the gas through a spout.

Kaneki felt the effects immediately, and he screamed, but not once. His scream was short and repeated over and over as the balloon filled and the gas worked away at killing his cells. He struggled in his chair trying to escape the thing that was eating away at his arm, but the more he did, the more suppressants were shot into his back. The RC cells continually were rushing to form his rinkaku only to be beat back down with the suppressant. The process was exhausting him and he quickly lost the strength to struggle. This chair had been built for just this sort of occasion- just for him.

Burning. Burning. Burning. His left arm was on fire. He felt his wrist become heavy- so heavy.

_Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! It hurts! It hurts! Make it stop! Make it stop! Please make it stop! 993 . . .986 . . .979 . . ._

He wasn’t conscious of whether he was merely thinking the words or saying them out loud. The prior pain without the gas was better than this burning sensation. The gas was eating him. It was _eating_ his arm.

“Shh, Centipede. Once the cells die, you won’t feel it anymore. Give it another minute.” Doumeki tried to watch the dying and crystallization of cells through the balloon, but it was difficult because the gas had a yellow color. Too bad he couldn’t get rid of the color; then he would have been able to watch as the very blood in his subject’s arm turned into brittle little rubies.

Kaneki couldn’t hold on another minute. In seconds, he fainted, his head falling forward as he did.

It was only the first day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cochlea chapter ended up being twice as long as I thought it would be, so I decided to break it up into two parts.  
> For any curious, no, no one, including Arima, knows what is going on in Cochlea.   
> Thanks for your support!


	11. Stays in Cochlea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, um, torture and body mutilation.  
> Sorry if this seems pieced together; I didn't want to detail the whole experience. I hope it makes sense with Kaneki going in and out of consciousness.  
> Thanks!

When Kaneki awoke, he immediately smelled blood. It wasn’t unfamiliar to him. He tried to reach towards the smell only to realize he had _no hands_. After a brief struggle of panic and a prick in his back, he relaxed at the memory that his not having hands was only because they had been _sawed off_ and that this was by no means a new development.

He felt the needle in his back being pulled away, “Thank you, Kuroda. If he’d had any more drugs in him, he’d choke on his food,” Doumeki was speaking through his same thin grin. The doctor’s hair was greasy and slick as if he had not slept or showered in some time. Time. How long had it been? His large hands were holding a bowl of something red. Blood. Meat. Food.

-But not-

“I’m sure you’re aware that this is not human meat. So sorry to disappoint, but for our second little experiment, we wanted to see just how this ghoul cannibalism bit works. You see,” he dipped the spoon into the substance and began to feed Kaneki the blood. The half-ghoul accepted it only because he wanted his hands back, and he wasn’t able to think of anything else. If this was how to get them back, then he needed to eat eat eat. “-you have an incredibly high RC cell count. Still, you were originally human. In your files, you earned the name Centipede from Shinohara when you produced what he described as a half-kakuja. A half-kakuja has never been seen before, you see? While we know that kakuja form due to ghouls who participate in cannibalism, we certainly don’t know how this process occurs. So, if you have a half-kakuja, we figured, why not try and make a whole one?”

Kaneki promptly spat out the meat that had just recently been spoon fed to him. Much of the blood had sprayed across the good doctor’s face and chest while the raw muscle had rolled to the floor. Doumeki seemed only disappointed but by no means upset. It was similar to the way one might look at a baby playing with food.

“Now, now, Centipede, that isn’t any way to behave.” Kaneki looked back at him with an expression that spelled death.

Kaneki closed his eyes. _I can’t do this. I can’t. I’ll lose my mind. Like before. Like the last time. It would be like last time but worse. I’d be even worse. I can’t. Don’t make me do this. Hands. Hands aren’t worth becoming that- not that- I’m not that. I’m not._

“993 . . .” his voice was a quivering whisper, “ . . . 986” but it helped the pain, “979 . . .” so he’d just focus on the numbers, “972 . . .” and he’d be able to make it through.

“Why’s he doing that, Kuroda?” Doumeki dropped the spoon back into the ghoul stew he had so lovingly prepared for his subject.

“Beats me. Maybe he’s lost it?” the interrogator had seen plenty of ghouls lose their mind before, but none of them had ever started counting. There was a first time for everything. He appeared unimpressed.

“Hmm, somehow I doubt that.” Doumeki took the bowl over to a table a few paces away and watched the half-ghoul with interest.

“937 . . .  930 . . . 923 . . .”

“I think he’s trying to stay sane.” He observed curiously.

“We could cut out his tongue if it’s bothersome.” Kuroda offered. He had experience in these things, too.

“Oh, no, no, that won’t be necessary.” The black haired man sunk long fingers into his own hair as he speculated on his next course of action.

“We’ve determined that the new gas works well destroying the RC cells.” While Kaneki had been unconscious, Doumeki had taken several samples from the ghoul’s limbs both of the affected blood and of fresh tissue from his right arm to watch the whole process of the chemicals under a microscope. “We just need to have him eat to regenerate the tissues in his right arm. If the cells don’t regenerate in his left then-“

“Then you’ve discovered a way to end them for good.”

“Without drawing weapons, of course, yes.”

“As long as it won’t put me out of a job.”

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t _,” not immediately, anyway._

“So, you’re needing the tube then?”

“Yes, we’ll have to force feed him.” Doumeki looked to the white-haired half-ghoul, “did you hear that? We’re getting the tube. You asked for this, you know?”

Kaneki wasn’t hearing anything but the steady train of numbers. If he could still hear his own voice it meant he was alive. If he could still count, it meant he was still sane.

<><><><><><><><><><><> 

When he came to again, he noticed that his left hand was missing. He tried to scream but moving his mouth was difficult and so he only managed a small noise. The now familiar sensation of RC suppressants was flowing through his veins like oil- not quite mixing with his bloodstream but traveling with it all the same. It was kind of nice. It was better than with Yamori. The pain felt so far away.

_That’s right. My left hand is gone now. That doctor sawed it off. He sawed it right off like one might slice through c- But my right hand-_

It was there. It looked paler since the skin was new, but it was there. Kaneki tested it to make sure it was real. He opened and closed it, moved each finger one by one, cracked one-two-three. They were all there. They worked. His hand was real. So real. But that meant- Sasaki licked his lips.

“As long as I have food in my mouth, I have solved all questions for the time being.” _Right, Kafka?*_

The half-ghoul could remember the tube down his throat, the inability to move because of the suppressant, the ecstasy of a full stomach, and once the tube was gone, his desire to keep eating and keep eating and keep eating because it meant he’d live he’d live he’d live.

He hadn’t tasted another ghoul in a long time. Was this the doctor’s plan, then? He’d keep cutting off limbs and then feeding Kaneki the RC cell rich organs of other ghouls until he grew them back?

_“Of course, we’ll be doing the same with your legs. I’m sure you can use your imagination.”_

_No-no-no-no-no-no-no- I need to get out. I need to_ -

“You’re awake, Centipede! How nice.” Doumeki was in high spirits. Kaneki’s left hand hadn’t grown back.

_I’m going to kill you._

“No . . . more.” Kaneki cracked the fingers on his right hand. Would his left ever come back? His wrist was so heavy- like rocks. They were replacing his left hand with rocks?

“Oh, no, there will be _more_. It’s already the second day though which means we have less time than we previously thought. You know what that means? We’ll have to cut off more limbs at once! It also means, though, that we can’t give you any more suppressants. So enjoy them while they last.” The doctor turned towards Kuroda, the interrogator, and they began to discuss something about tape and recording and data.

Kaneki fell inside his thoughts.

_How do people like this exist? This belongs in a Takashi Miike film or a Takatsuki Sen novel. These kinds of things don’t actually happen-Or do they? But only to ghouls? It’s because I’m a ghoul? My left hand will be replaced with rocks. It’s because they don’t see me as human? Ghouls are expendable enough that severing limbs is nothing._

The RC Suppressants did make the pain feel more distant. Kaneki felt a metal blade against his skin on his arm and heard the snipping of fabric, “So, we’ll just sever the whole right arm and the right leg up to the knee. You might not heal if we take the whole leg and that would be messy. See, it works in your favor that we’re so short on time.”

_Mother. I’m a ghoul. I’m a ghoul, and they don’t care about how much it hurts._

He felt something tight wrapped around his left ankle, his right leg below the knee, and his right shoulder.

_Because it really hurts. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t take any more. They’re going to cut off my feet, next, and I hate them mother- I hate them. I’m going to kill them._

 “Stop! Stop. Stop. Stop. . .  Stop.” It took so much effort to speak. He could hardly move. He heard the saw.

And he watched.

_I’m going to kill them, Mother. I’m so fucked up._

He watched.

_But they’re fucked up. This shouldn’t be happening._

The pain was distant.

_I’ll kill them, Hide. Because they’re doing this. I’ll kill them, because they’re getting away with this._

But he watched.

_I’ll kill them, because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I’m a ghoul and it doesn’t matter._

Kaneki tried screaming. He kept trying and trying. He saw the doctor cover his ears but Kaneki couldn’t hear his own voice. He kept trying to scream. He tried and tried. There was no sound. When the doctor moved his mouth to speak, there was no sound there either. When the interrogator’s fist met his face, there was only silence. Again. Again. Again. Silence.

His right arm was gone. Half of his right leg was missing. His left foot was gone.

_‘Nothing is so painful to the human mind than a great and sudden change.’*_

_I’m Frankenstein’s monster._

Doumeki was writing quickly on a clipboard. He looked so _intrigued_ with his eyes growing wider and taking in the light from the glaring bulbs above.

_I’m not human or ghoul. I’m Frankenstein’s monster. I will be pieced back together, right, Frankenstein?_

The pain was still distant, so it was the shock and blood loss that lead Kaneki to finally pass out again.

<><><><><><><><><><> 

Kaneki woke up to the pain of the feeding tube stuck all the way through his esophagus to his stomach. He tried to throw up, but nothing worked. He tried to move in the chair but his arm- it was gone. His hands were gone. He was pieces. He was in pieces. His feet were gone. How would he run? How would he get away? Tears fell and Kaneki could taste them on his tongue- so many. Salt. Bitter.

He had died again. He was dead. This was hell. It was his third visit.

<><><><><><><><><><> 

His eyes opened slowly. The first thing he noticed was that his arm was sore. It felt numb and difficult to move but- his right arm was back. It grew back. _It grew back._

_I’m a monster. I’m so fucked up. I lost my arm and it grew back. It grew back. It’s here. My arm._

And so was his right leg. How long had he been out? He tried to remember, but all that came to him was pain. Pain from the tube. Pain from the severed limbs. Pain. Pain. Pain. His heart. His memories. His loss. Pain. He closed his eyes again.

“We never checked his kakuja.”

“It’s true- a real pity, but- but we got the data we needed to make progress with the gas, so at least we have that. Maybe we’ll hear news of his kakuja in the upcoming missions. It wouldn’t be the same as seeing it first –hand, but it would still be exciting . . . to know that we created it.”

“I agree that that’s not very satisfying. Still, you’re rather . . . _creative_ , Dr. Doumeki,” the chief interrogator gave the doctor something of a compliment.

“So you say, Kuroda. Nevertheless, we’ve had fun. I can only hope this opportunity presents itself again.”

“Then let’s hope the Centipede continues to misbehave.”

“Indeed.”

“Oh, good evening Centipede!” Kaneki opened his eyes to see the wide eyes of the doctor staring him in the face. Too close.

“Well, as you can feel, you have everything back- just like that!” Doumeki snapped his fingers to mark the rapidity at which Kaneki’s limbs _grew back_. “It must be nice being a ghoul and simply grow new limbs should they be severed like that! Lucky you!”

_You’re going to die._

“Did you enjoy the delicious food? The number of kakuhou orga-”

“Can we move on?” Kuroda was holding the surgical saw again.

_Both of you will die soon._

“That’s true. We only have two days left with you, Centipede, and if you’re going to be ready for the big mission soon in the 20th Ward, you need to recover your left hand and your left foot! But we killed all of the cells on the edge here.” Doumeki pointed to the now purple and bruised skin around Kaneki’s wrist and ankle. “That’s the work of the new gas I’ve created. It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?” One of the doctor’s thin fingers nudged into the stump of Kaneki’s left arm and began to _dig_. Kaneki’s eyes grew wide, his kakugan exposed as he tried to struggle, because what the fuck was-

The doctor pulled out a translucent cloudy pebble, and as he retracted his finger, a few more fell to the floor, “That’s your blood and muscle, see?”

Kaneki stared. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. Was his arm numb because of the gas or the RC suppressants? Was there really nothing there- nothing there but-

“It’s pretty neat, I think- quite the science. I can tell you how it works, actually. You see-“

“Doumeki.” Kuroda wasn’t a patient man.

“Right! Right right,” the doctor dropped the pebbles and as they hit the floor they broke into several more brittle pieces, “we’re almost out of time, so that’ll have to wait, Centipede.”

 _What is he trying to do . . . ?_ Were Kaneki more coherent, he would be putting the pieces together of the real horror of his current situation, but the RC suppressants were ruining his concentration.

“So, we just have to cut above the area that’s been affected”, Doumeki used a finger to draw a line on Kaneki’s left arm almost as if he took pleasure in touching the half-ghoul, “and we _think_ your hand and foot will grow back. They should.”

Kaneki could see the interrogator give the doctor a look, “If this doesn’t work, you’re going down with me.”

“Nonsense, Kuroda, aside from being assigned to work in Cochlea, I have always been a very lucky man,” and his tone was suddenly dark, the mischief in his mind bleeding into his voice.

Kaneki could hear the saw. He now associated it with a death bell. Soon he’d hear another limb fall.

<><><><><><><><><><><> 

It had been seven days. Everything was over now. The doctor had fixed the anklet back onto Haise and the interrogator had added the ever familiar handcuffs to Kaneki’s wrists. He’d see Arima and he’d kill him. He’d kill him, and then he’d turn around and kill the others. He’d kill all of them. It was the best way.

But Arima wasn’t the person picking him up.

Koori Ui waited just outside for the half-ghoul, and greeted him with a small smile, “Sasaki, hello. Arima was busy, so he asked me to pick you up.”

Kaneki’s empty eyes the color of gray ash shifted to see Ui on his left. He looked ahead to see the CCG vehicle waiting in front. His exhaustion returned suddenly. He had no reason to kill Ui. It was wrong. He knew that.

Kaneki began walking towards the vehicle.

“I’m going to drive you back to the chateau, okay?” There was a touch of kindness and even though Sasaki could not see the man, he could hear his smile.

Kaneki said nothing, but he cracked a few fingers. He was tired.

Ui appeared unfazed and began walking towards the car, opening the door for Kaneki to enter first since it would be impossible with his hands cuffed.

Once in the car, Ui held up a small key. “Let me.”

Kaneki turned his head away, almost embarrassed, as he held his cuffed hands up to be freed. Noticing how uncomfortable the other was, Ui made no other comment concerning them.

In the car on the way to the chateau, music was playing from the radio. It was in English, and it immediately reminded Kaneki of Hide. He didn’t need that right now, so he turned the music off with a quick and unforgiving motion. He didn’t care if Ui would protest. Of course, Ui didn’t. He was not the type of person to mind either way.

“I wanted to tell you, Sasaki- I don’t know if you knew this but-”

Kaneki’s curiosity was piqued because Ui had stopped mid-sentence, but he didn’t look in Ui’s direction. He was studying the people that passed by on the sidewalk. He felt hungry. It was a little odd. He’d eaten so much. He’d eaten so much.

“Arima talks about you a lot.”

Kaneki’s muscles tensed, but he still did not move.

“I’m not sure myself if he even realizes how much he does . . . but he does.” The car turned down another street, “He talks about you when he’s concerned.”

_Because when you’re concerned about someone, you throw them in prison._

“He’s been very concerned since you regained your memories.”

_Because when you’re concerned about someone, you allow them to be tortured endlessly by having their limbs sawed off._

Kaneki still said nothing. Ui had barely spoken to him before, so he didn’t understand why he felt he could speak so casually with him about something so intimate now.

“He thinks you’ll disappear.”

That made Kaneki turn to look at Ui, expression annoyed though clearly interested. Ui didn’t meet his gaze. Unlike his superior, he could not divide his attention between the road and the passenger, so he had opted for keeping his eyes on the road.

The kindness in Ui’s voice dissipated, “There are bets going around the offices for how your life will end.”

Apparently Ui had nothing else to say regarding Arima. Kaneki turned again to face the people on the sidewalk. So so hungry.

“Some are betting you’ll leave and be hunted and killed. Others think you’ll go berserk and be killed by Kishou. Some are even betting you’ll be killed by Akira. . . .” By the way his voice trailed on, it sounded like there were several other options in this betting pool.

“And what are you betting?” Kaneki finally spoke.

“Me? I don’t gamble.” The car pulled up in front of the chateau.

Kaneki turned to Ui, expression blank, “And Arima?” They shared only one thing; they had both been trained by the death god. At least to some extent, they understood each other on that level.

Ui smiled as if completely unaffected by the death waiting in Kaneki’s gaze, “He doesn’t gamble, either. But, if I know Kishou as well as I think I do, I’d say he’s betting you’d kill anyone who laid a finger on you.”

Kaneki’s mask broke, and he looked at Ui with shock in his eyes, his lips parting as if to protest. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t unless-

Unless he had something to protect.

“Sasaki, calm down; it’s not like he’d ever admit that out loud,” Ui was smiling, and Sasaki looked away, entirely unsure of how to handle the situation.

It was the first time they’d actually spoken to one another, and yet, it hadn’t been anything how Kaneki had imagined it’d be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Indicates Quotes from Franz Kafka and Mary Shelley
> 
> Thank you all again for your encouragement.  
> /Let us share in the root a pain a moment but take solace in the brilliant possibilities of :re, ok?


	12. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter! It takes place after Chapter 8.
> 
> There are three omakes(extras) after the last chapter that each take place at different times throughout the whole story.  
> Please enjoy!

**Chapter 12: The Beginning**

The Q’s were waiting on top of a mall building on the south side of the 20th Ward with their leader. All fully dressed for combat, they were awaiting for the start of the operation- 23:00 hours. Everyone was in position, hoping that they’d be able to lure out the Samurai with their individual tactics and roleplay. It was a bit of a game of chance, but it was one they were all being forced to play regardless.

All of the Q’s had noticed a difference in Sasaki’s behavior since he’d come back from Cochlea nearly two weeks prior. He didn’t speak as much, and when he did, his tone of voice was somewhat bitter. He no longer cooked for them, and in his spare time, he was always in his room or was training. Another thing was that when he trained, he was always fully clothed, the skin of his legs and arms completely covered. They’d lived with him long enough to catch onto these things. All of them had spent the last two weeks discussing his subtle changes. All of them worried, for some reason, especially Shirazu, but none of them knew how to approach the subject. They’d all agreed that when the Samurai operation was over, they’d discuss it with him if things didn’t get back to normal.

“You seem tense, Sasaki,” it was Urie.

Sasaki had been standing alone dwelling on moments in the past. He remembered this mall. He had been to the bookstore on the second floor so many times. He would read the monthly literary journal and Hide would read the English magazines. He was actually grateful when Urie spoke, because it meant he didn’t have to remember, “Well, I want this operation in our hands.”

“Why?” The Quinx was curious. Maybe Sasaki had something riding on this that he didn’t know and any extra information was a win in Urie’s favor.

“If my theory is correct, and it is Amon Koutaro, then, I want to see him.” Haise smiled a little, “I guess that’s kind of strange.”

Smiles from Sasaki had grown rare enough that Saiko had counted only four in the last week. She treasured it. He used to smile almost constantly before his memories had returned three months ago. His past . . . or what  he’d lost . . . it really must have been painful.

“It means you didn’t kill him.” Urie offered. The rumors had run rampant through the CCG during Sasaki’s time at Cochlea. Of course, the Quinx had heard of Sasaki’s possible involvement with Amon, Akira, and a hand full of ghouls.

Sasaki didn’t even blink, seemingly entirely fine with the comment, “That’s true, but even aside from that, it means that he- well, maybe we can meet properly. At some point.”

“What does that mean?” Shirazu asked curiously, not understanding what Sasaki was getting at.

“It means we only ever met on the battlefield. We only fought each other. In a way, I think we understood each other really well. At least, maybe we tried to.”

“So he was a rival?” Urie actually found this all rather interesting even aside from his work-related motives.

“No, I would have preferred to think of him as an unwanted enemy, because, had our circumstances been different, I’m sure we could have been friends.” Saiko noticed his smile was gone and his dead-panned expression, the one he now typically wore, was back in place. She didn’t like it, because it resembled Kuki in a way.

“Like Akira?” Mutsuki piped in and then immediately regretted it, “I mean, before . . .”

“Even better friends than First Class Akira. . . . . It would be nice for her, too.” That would mean she could be happy and she’d stop hating him. She’d stop hating him and the Q’s if he could bring Amon back.

“You’re thinking selfishly, again?” Urie’s face was blank, as per usual, but his words had been a bit too personal and biting.

Sasaki didn’t seem to mind, “Maybe I am . . . but this time we can both benefit from my selfishness, right, Urikuchi?” Sasaki was still playful, but his humor lacked the innocence it once held.

“Don’t call me that.” He frowned. Okay, maybe Kaneki _had_ been hurt by the ‘selfish’ remark.

“It is really cute, though,” the half-ghoul remarked as if in deep reflection.

“I swear-“ Urie muttered impatiently.

“Urikuchi!” Saiko offered happily grabbing Urie’s arm and then letting go just in time to avoid a swift kick in the face. All of their hours spent sparring together had really paid off. Now she could tease him and avoid his rebuttals.

“Uriku.” Shirazu added with a smirk.

Mutsuki smiled after a beat, “Urikuri.”

“Oh, that one’s even better.” Haise remarked with a smirk.

“Nice, Mucchan!” Saiko dramatically applauded making her way over to Tooru to take his hands in excitement.

“Haise.” It was Arima speaking into the headset they used to communicate between squads and within squads to other members.

The Quinx Squad silenced instantly.

“If you do anything rash this time, I won’t be able to _protect_ you.” Haise’s eyes met those of his subordinates. They were all staring back at him. Yes, that message had been relayed to them as well. Was Arima making a request to them, too? They were going to hear this conversation?

“Understood. . . . . . .” Haise cracked a finger. Everyone noticed. “. . . Arima?”

“ . . . Yes?” the older man waited.

Haise turned his back to the others, feeling blood rush to his cheeks against his will, “Thank you.”

On the other line, Arima’s squad was staring at their leader. Why did he seem so out of sorts? What exactly was Sasaki Haise thanking their leader for? So Arima actually had a human side? Maybe not. It was a ghoul that was speaking to him, anyway.

After a pause, there was a response, “Thank you . . . Haise.”

Silence then. Arima was gone. Haise was blushing even more. Why had he said thank you in return? That didn’t make any sense. The only thing Kaneki ever did for Arima was make trouble for him and occasionally coffee  . . . or book recommendations, but that didn’t constitute a thank you. He had been a nuisance so many times and especially the past few weeks.

“Maman is blushing!” Saiko was right in front of him, clearly the only one courageous enough to approach after such an odd exchange of words.

Kaneki cleared his face of all emotion, but his blush wasn’t receding so instead of responding with nervous fear, the Quinx simply burst into laughter, even Urie cracking a smile and rolling his eyes at how absurd it all was. Haise gave a soft smile in response. He was glad the Q’s were safe. He was glad he could remain with them to keep them safe. He’d do anything for them. He knew that now.

It had been nearly three months since Sasaki Haise had regained his memories as Kaneki Ken. The team was more at peace with each other. He _seemed_ to be more at peace with himself than he had been when he’d first gotten back. Everything was going to be okay. Right?

After this operation, things would go back to normal, right?

<><><><><><><><><><><><> 

**Omake: A Kiss: The Day After Chapter 7**

It was the day after Sasaki’s little prank on Urie. Saiko and Urie were sparring in the training room.

Saiko pressed her lips to the other’s suddenly, pressing herself into him until he opened his mouth to accept her.

Urie hadn’t expected this in a million years. In fact, he hardly knew what to do with himself. One minute he had been training and fighting with the blue-haired Quinx, and the next she had pinned him to the floor using her rinkaku and was straddling him and forcing him into a kiss.

Just as the shock was beginning to wear off and Urie was getting comfortable with the action, Saiko pulled away, laughing, even releasing his limbs letting her rinkaku hover lazily behind her.

He simply glared. Sure, there were about six different emotions and twice as many questions resting there on the tip of his tongue now that she was laughing, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to show her that and let her have the pleasure of so swiftly and effortlessly unsettling him.

Why had she done that?

“You like that, Urie?” She called him by his name _for once._

He continued to glare.

She pressed into him, “You think too much, you know? You should _relax_.”

He was about to bite back that if he relaxed anywhere near as much as she did, he’d be an equally useless NEET, but- But that wasn’t the case anymore. She was training now and had been since Sasaki had gotten his memories back. In fact, if anything, she was training two to three times harder than all of them as if she were trying to make up for lost time.

“Why did you do that?”

“It doesn’t matter, does it? There’s nothing in it. It just feels good.” As if to prove her point, she kissed him again. This time, he had seen it coming, but like the first time, he didn’t push her away. Instead, he kissed her back slowly, actually testing her theory. The kiss was nice. It did clear his thoughts now that she’d clarified her reasons behind it. There was a sort of therapy at work here when he let himself simply indulge in the physical contact.

Saiko broke the kiss, her own cheeks red this time, but not from embarrassment in the slightest. She sat up and stretched, still straddling the other Quinx and seemingly okay with that.

“I saw an opening and took it. You were too stiff in your movements anyway. Your kouhaku is not a weapon you’re holding; it’s another limb of your body same as an arm or leg.”

He stared, his glare shaping into something closer to a soft wonder. She wasn’t reprimanding him. She wasn’t insulting him. She was actually just making an observation and her tone was so detached from the situation at hand that it didn’t sound like she even cared either way whether he was listing or not.

_Sasaki, you’re a bastard._

No, the half-ghoul had likely not planned anything quite like this to happen, but he had certainly put together that Saiko’s attitude was the best one in dealing with Urie, who hated being threatened or corrected by anyone. He would have just fought Shirazu tooth and nail, and Mutsuki would never have been able to even speak to him properly regarding any of his weaknesses.

Had Saiko put together the reasons for their pairing?

Well, if anything, Urie had certainly underestimated her.

<><><><><><><><><> 

**Omake: Mutsuki: Day After Sasaki Returns to the Chateau After Regaining His Memories**

“You know, Mutsuki, I used to have a very good friend that was like you in some ways.”

“. . . . ?” Mutsuki didn’t respond but gave his mentor a questioning look.

“Well, you have a lot of trouble releasing your kagune. My friend was the same- though he was full ghoul. He could barely extract it at all, and yet-“

“Sasan?”

“And yet, he was admired, trusted, and respected by an incredible amount of people. I trusted him with my life, and he trusted me with his. I . . . really respected him.” _Though I never told him that . . ._

“I don’t understand.”

“What I’m saying is . . . it’s not always physical strength that makes someone strong.”

“But I’m not-“

“All of the Quinx members trust you. Even Urie, who, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, has gained quite the respect for you since the auction raid.”

Mutsuki was quiet again, unsure of what to say. He was by no means used to compliments, much less something on this level.

“My friend didn’t care for fighting, either, but he saw it as something necessary . . . something necessary when it came to protecting others. He-”

The half-ghoul suddenly looked very sad, his eyes going dark and empty as if seeing straight through Tooru and into a past he could never touch or return to.

Where was Banjou now? The others? They’d spent so many months together. They’d depended on one another. Haise was trapped before he realized. When his mind fell back into the past, it took some time to retrieve it. The experience was similar to a disease that would rise up if Kaneki wasn’t continually taking his medicine. In this case, his only medicine was distracting himself from such thoughts, beating them into submission either with reading or training or eating or RC suppressants . . . He wouldn’t be able to continue the training session, but it had been over an hour now. That was enough for today for Tooru.

“You did well today, Mutsuki,” Haise gave praise that fell flat and hollow; he was speaking automatically so he could excuse the Quinx and return to the silence of his room more quickly.

Tooru witnessed the change take place. Watching Haise’s expression change was like seeing one of those optical illusion photos where if you looked at it one way, it’d appear to be a woman, and if you looked at it another way, it was actually a skull. It was the same photo, but once you were able to see the second picture, it was difficult to going back to seeing the first. Sasaki didn’t look like Sasaki anymore. His words were heavy with more pain than Tooru cared to hear. It made him flinch even though the words had been meant as praise.

“Be present for the evening meeting.” Sasaki was putting his things together to leave the training room.

Mutsuki followed his lead and began to do the same.

“Muuchan, please stretch before returning to the chateau.” It hurt. His mentor’s words and the strained expression on his face looked far more like a clown who was trying too hard to convey an expression that was the complete opposite of what had been drawn in paint over his face.

_You don’t have to try so hard, Sasan. Please. It’s not-_

He was gone. Tooru didn’t have the courage to speak his thoughts. He wondered if Sasaki would even want to hear them anyway. It’s not like he could do anything for his mentor. He had no idea what he was going through, really. Tooru sighed. Would Sasan ever be the same? No, rather . . . would Haise ever just be okay again?

_You’re not alone, Sasan._

It would be some time before Mutsuki would have the courage to speak such words.

<><><><><><><><><><><><> 

**Omake: Recovery: The Night Before Chapter 12**

Arima had heard of the adjustment made to the RC sensor in the First Ward. When Haise had returned to the office after his week in Cochlea, he had set off the RC scanner for the first time. His RC count had somehow gone up though it appeared to possibly be temporary. That was the first sign that something was amiss.

Arima hadn’t expected Kaneki’s change in character, either. He had read the reports that the Quinx had turned in regarding his behavior that he asked of them on occasion; he knew they were always skewed in Sasaki’s favor, but Arima had learned to read between the lines. It seemed that things were not going well since his return from Cochlea. The Q’s needed Sasaki to be in top condition if he was going to be leading them the next evening through the Samurai mission. Arima did, too. A lot was riding on this mission specifically for Haise.

That’s why Arima was at the Q’s chateau now, facing the half –ghoul when he answered the door,“Haise.”

“Yes?” It was the expression that two of the Q’s had mentioned in their report. He looked bored, disinterested, unimpressed, apathetic. He seemed entirely unfazed that Arima was standing there now, at nine o’clock at night the day before a mission. If Kaneki was angry with him; he wasn’t showing it.

“Get some things. I want you to stay with me tonight.” Arima didn’t like explaining himself, so it was convenient for him that almost no one asked him to do so anyway.

Stay with him? As in sleep over? “Okay.” The half-ghoul was in no way disturbed. He couldn’t imagine why Arima wanted something like that, but he didn’t question it. He didn’t need to make any trouble anyway. He turned to get his things, leaving the door open so that the death god could see himself in.

Arima walked in only to avoid waiting awkwardly outside and shut the front door after.

All of the Q’s were in the living room watching something called Balloon Hunter. The host had just explained that it was a reality game show where many families were sent to an island, and the last family that survived, after a series of challenges, would receive some large sum of money. It must have just started.

“If we were a team, we’d totally win the grand prize!” Yonebashi threw a candy into the air and caught it in her mouth. She was seated on the sofa between Urie and Shirazu.

“We should enter. I could use that cash prize,” Shirazu grabbed the next candy Yonebashi threw up into the air before she could catch it, but she didn’t mind.

“I doubt that they’d accept us as a family.” Mutsuki had a book in his hands, but he didn’t appear to be invested in reading it.

“We’re as good a family as any other. Look at that team; they counted their damn cat as their child.” Shirazu pointed to the left side of the TV.

“You have a point th-Special Class Arima!” Yonebashi stood up on the couch and then promptly moved to the floor as she clumsily saluted him.

The other three followed after her with various greetings.

“I’ve told all of you before to relax should I visit. Please return to your show.” Arima gave them a stoic expression, but his tone was light, and they were glad to hear it.

Urie walked over with an empty glass Arima could have sworn had just been full, “I was making a trip to the kitchen; would you like anything?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

Mutsuki sat in Urie’s spot to free up a chair for Arima to sit, “Would you like to sit down, sir?”

“Thank you, I’ll stand. I’ll only be here a minute.”

There was an awkward silence save for the sounds coming from the TV, so Shirazu broke it promptly, “You ever watch Balloon Hunter before?”

“No.”

“Well, we watch it altogether each week. You can join us . . . if you want.”

“Thank you.” It was only a confirmation that he knew that the invitation was open.

After Haise grabbed what he’d need, he briefly explained that he’d be back tomorrow to the group, and he then left ahead of Arima out the front door before any of the Q’s could say anything.

Before Arima left, he heard Yonebashi call to him, “Special Class Arima?” She was still in the living room, but she was standing and looked prepared to run after him if necessary.

It wasn’t necessary. Arima turned around to show that she had his attention and waited for her to continue.

All eyes were on Saiko as she spoke. Her expression was uncharacteristically serious, “Will you take care of him? . . . You won’t hurt him again, will you?” Of course the Q’s knew what had happened two weeks prior. It had been the talk across the Wards for at least a week.

Urie was standing in the walkway between the living room and the kitchen, watching Arima carefully. All eyes turned on the Special Class Investigator.

Arima felt a little confused by the question but showed nothing in his expression. The Quinx really cared about their mentor. It was rightfully so.

“I always have,” he responded, facing Yonebashi’s silent request with an earnest response. He only answered one question.

<><><><><><><><><><><><> 

The car ride there was silent.

When they finally arrived in Arima’s apartment, a place that Haise was incredibly familiar with as he had lived there a short time years ago, Haise immediately made a bee line for the room that he had once claimed as his.

It was exactly as he left it. The room was painted a light gray and decorated in shades of blue. The furniture was sparse- a desk with a small lamp and some books as well as a bed. Of course, it was spotless since Arima favored cleanliness, but all of the same books were there. It was strange but also nostalgic. It made Haise feel a little bit sick to his stomach. Either he didn’t have much of a personality to leave behind here or it just hadn’t developed yet. His time living with Arima had been strange. He’d gone from his cell in Cochelea, to a room in the research building, to living here in this little room in his keeper’s apartment.

After a soft knock, Arima opened the door and walked in.

“What happened to you there?” The death god wasted no time. He was sure Haise understood his sparse language anyway.

“Is it necessary for you to know?” Haise kept his same expression; it was the one he had worn so often after he’d escaped Aogiri. It felt more comfortable now than the smile Haise would wear so often. Maybe he was just reverting back to what was easier, but either way, he accepted that he had options and this was his choice for now. He wasn’t ready to heal. He was still convinced he didn’t _deserve_ to.

Not that anyone would be intruding, but Arima shut the door behind him. It was just the two of them now in Haise’s little bedroom from his past. “I did something wrong, didn’t I?”

“ _You don’t make mistakes._ ” Haise’s stone eyes met Arima’s and there were no words passed between them for a moment. Arima could tell that Haise was hurt, but in the past, Haise wouldn’t get angry over things when he was hurt; he would cry. It was like Arima was learning Haise all over again; no, he was learning Kaneki Ken. And when Kaneki Ken was hurt, he grew angry. At least, from what Arima was seeing now, that was the case.

“That’s not true. You know that. . . . You’re one of the few that sees that I do.” Kishou wasn’t exactly sure with how to deal with Kaneki Ken. He’d tried any number of things so far.

Kaneki thought about his hatred toward the man. He knew it was a passing phase. One of the few, huh? No. Haise had known Arima long enough to see that others found fault with him, too. Others hated him for little reason other than that he was different- he was special. Much like himself. The half-ghoul’s expression was now one of pity, “You’re a lonely person, Arima.” He sat on the bed and watched his superior’s face curiously. He no longer felt like Arima was so far away. He hadn’t felt Arima’s distance since he’d reemerged from Cochelea but that wasn’t to say he didn’t still fear him.

The curtains were open, so the light from the moon and the streets outside could get in. In addition to that, Sasaki’s desk lamp was on. Still, it wasn’t enough to call the room well-lit. Arima took another step closer and locked eyes with the shorter male. Was he lonely? He didn’t think so- not since-

“Haise . . .” the half-ghoul was trembling, “Are you scared of me?”

Kaneki didn’t look away and answered honestly, “Yes.”

“Don’t be.” Arima reached to touch the other’s white hair.

Sasaki batted his hand away with his arm, “. . . You’re not being fair.”

The Special Class Investigator was good at hiding his emotions, so the hurt he felt from Sasaki pushing him away was in no way evident on his face, “. . . . . You’re right.”

“You’re different though.” Kaneki admitted, and he looked down at his hands and scratched at his left wrist.

Arima noticed there was something odd about his wrist, but he waited a moment and then asked, “What do you mean?”

“In the way that you treat me. The Q’s. Juuzou. You. You’re the only ones who treat me as though my opinion matters.” From the weight of the words, Arima could tell it was more than just _opinion_.

“-But” He didn’t understand why Haise would be coming to his defense. He’d blinded him. He’d stabbed him. Twice. He’d been the reason for his amnesia. He’d sent him to Cochlea. Twice. He’d beat him bloody in front of his peers.

“I’m not an idiot. I know what you did in the office was for their benefit. I know that what you did in the elevator was for mine. –But I’m not actually your son. You’re not actually my father.”

“ . . . .” Was that what Arima actually wanted?

“And maybe according to the CCG, you’re responsible for me, but the truth is that you don’t have any power over my decisions at all.”

“ . . . . .” What were the right words to say?

Somewhat in frustration at Arima’s silence, Sasaki removed his sweatshirt so that his scars could be seen. It was clear from the difference in skin tone where his left hand had been removed and also where his right arm had been severed.

Arima was speechless.

Haise didn’t want to appear any more vulnerable, so instead of removing his pants, he simply whispered, “They did the same with my legs.”

The death god, for once, didn’t know what to do with himself. Was this his fault? Was it Haise’s? Should he apologize? Should he kill those responsible? He couldn’t do that, but he could make them suffer. Admist all of Arima’s confusion, Kaneki grabbed his black sweater and began to put it back on over his head.

When he was finished, he cracked a few of his fingers. Arima still had said nothing. Impatient with his superior, Kaneki went on, “I have paid plenty for your damn protection. Your favors. . . . . My debts to you. . . . I’d have left by now if it weren’t for them.”

Arima reflected and finally spoke, “. . . You must hate me.”

“I don’t.”

“Why?”

“We’re too much alike for me to hate you.”

Arima couldn’t keep looking at him; he could no longer meet his eyes. This was his fault. He’d decided.

“-And maybe you’re right. Maybe I need you.”

Arima wasn’t prepared for this conversation, but he had brought Haise over, because he knew Haise needed to say something, but he just wasn’t good with intimacy, “Goodnight, Haise.” The word ‘father’ was so hollow. Arima himself didn’t even understand the implication of it.

“No, you don’t get to leave yet,” Kaneki’s tone didn’t match his words; he was nervous and his voice was shaky.

Arima didn’t leave, but it was only because he felt he owed Kaneki to hear him out.

“Tell me how you know Nagachika. How do you know Hideyoshi Nagachika?”

There it was. That was it. It wasn’t wholly about Cochelea. Or himself. It was about Haise’s past- something Arima knew little about.

“I can’t tell you that.” Arima pushed his glasses up on his nose.

“I’ve had all of my limbs severed thanks to your _mistake_ , and you can’t tell me even that?” Kaneki’s expression was deadly, but he was trembling again. Arima couldn’t make out if it was because of hatred or fear.

“He works for the CCG.”

“Works for or _worked for_?” The distinction was incredibly important.

“ _Works for_ ,” and he added quickly, “That’s all I can tell you, and I really shouldn’t have even said that much.”

“Why? Arima- tell me!” Haise stood suddenly.

“I can’t-” the death god’s eyes were cold.

“Why can’t you?” Kaneki stepped closer, threatening.

“They’ll kill you. They’ll likely kill you if they find out you know.” Arima didn’t match Kaneki’s tone of voice.

“Why? _Why?_ That doesn’t even make any sense! Why would they-?” The half-ghoul was yelling now, his eyes wild with confusion.

“He’s protecting you, too. Are you going to make his sacrifices go to waste?”

“What?” Haise took a step back, “No. _No._ I-He’s protecting _me_? -But he’s _alive_?”

“Yes, very much so.”

“He’s _alive_.” It dawned on Kaneki and suddenly everything else didn’t matter. The secrecy. Hide’s involvement with the CCG. Why it would matter if Kaneki knew or not. It didn’t matter.

“ _Yes._ ”

“He’s alive!” the half-ghoul was smiling, smiling honestly for the first time in such a very long time as tears began to spill form his eyes.

“Yes.” Arima confirmed again. He hadn’t been expecting this reaction from Haise.

“He’s really alive!” Feeling the tears run down his face, Kaneki was hugging himself tightly as he fell to his knees. It felt like the world had been dark until this moment.

Arima knelt down to be eye level with him, a rare soft smile gracing his features. He felt happy, too, and it was a little strange. He felt happy, because Haise was happy. “Yes.”

Kaneki looked at him through the tears, “He’s really alive.”

“Yes, he is,” After a moment, Arima put a hand on the other’s right shoulder as an attempt to comfort him. Sasaki was crying with this news. Nagachika was that important?

“Hide-Hi-Hide’s really alive.” Nothing else mattered in that moment. “I didn’t eat him.” It was a whisper.

Oh. _Oh._ “No, Haise, you didn’t.” Suddenly, everything was clear.

Kaneki smiled and shut his eyes, covering his eyes with his left arm to hide his obvious tears, “He’s alive, because I didn’t eat him.”

“That’s right.” Arima took Kaneki’s right hand in his and squeezed it gently. He’d done it before, years ago, when Haise would wake up crying from nightmares he couldn’t remember. After what he’d just been through . . .

The death god was in awe at the sight. The same person who had two weeks prior had his limbs removed was able to still smile like that? How was it even possible . . . that someone this strong could exist? Arima spoke evenly. What he said was, “I called you over because . . . I wanted to know you’d be ready for tomorrow,” but what he meant was ‘ _I’ve been worried about you._ ’

“I’m ready now.” Kaneki said back, but really meant, ‘ _You don’t have to worry anymore._ ’

Satisfied, Arima wiped Haise’s face with both hands and this time Haise could feel the kindness in his hands. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch and let his own hands fall over Arima’s larger ones. They sat there briefly, less than a minute, but the intimacy had been enough to give Kaneki a moment to relax and to give Arima a moment to recognize happiness.

When Haise opened his eyes again, Arima pulled his hands away and stood to leave, but he stopped in the doorway, “Haise?”

“Yes?”

“ _I’m sorry . . . .”_

Sasaki stared. He didn’t expect the apology. He couldn’t recall ever hearing one from his superior in all the time that he’d known him.

 _I make a pretty terrible father._ Arima couldn’t say the words out loud, shocked by his own silent thoughts.

Sasaki shook his head and let his eyes fall to the floor. _You make a better father than you think._ He never said the words out loud, and when he looked up again, Arima was gone.

<><><><><><><><><><> 

And for the first time, Arima placed pen to paper and wrote his will as was required for the upcoming mission. It read:

‘Let Sasaki Haise live.’

For the first time, Arima realized he had something to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thank you for your support. Please tell me your thoughts!
> 
> I wrote the last part with Arima about five times. I wanted to make it awkward father/son times, since Arima has never had a son(I'm guessing) and Kaneki has never really had a father. Plus, both of them are terrible at expressing themselves.
> 
> The Sequel has begun! It is titled "A Poem for Farewells". Thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as an attempt to fill an anon request on the TGkinkmeme, and this was not my original idea. :D
> 
> Thank you for reading. Please tell me what you think. Thank you all for your kindness and feedback! Honestly, your feedback really encourages me!
> 
> There is now a sequel to this story up called "A Poem for Farewells". Please check it out if you like!


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